@Mithrun1

[tablescraps]

@Mithrun1

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[text] [between skype and beach; before 9/1]

[tinged]

Good morning.

[ two words that take some time to send. ]

[tablescraps]

( Here, likewise, Mithrun takes some time to respond. )

Hello.

( That remains the only message for a minute. )

How's your neck?

( From his hands and bite... )

[tinged]

[ the question surprises them, though it’s an easy one to ask, they suppose. ]

As you would expect www

Tender in a raw way that makes it so every time I try to talk, I’m reminded of you… of everything. So I like it.

How is it for you? The other spots?

[tablescraps]

( ... )

They sting a little. I think they'll probably bruise, for awhile.

( But probably only awhile, unless Hani bit hard enough to scar. )

[tinged]

[ that was the intent, but did they actually? probably only the finger… ]

Good. I’m not sorry.

[ for that. but if they leave that statement it would be untrue. ]

I’m not sorry for anything I did, or anything you did.

But I am sorry.

[tablescraps]

( ... )

I was the one who made the two of you feel this way. It is what I did that caused this.

Tylor was right in that things were happier before I spoke.

[tinged]

NO.

I am not sorry for anything you said or did. I will not take back anything that happened.

I want to know when you don’t like something; I want to know when you’re unhappy. If there’s something eating at you that’s not me. I want to hear the each and every “but” that you feel.

And, please, don’t act like the way you feel is a curse upon us, or some sort of unwanted, unneeded, poisonous thing that will ruin everything. That’s not true.

That’s not true.

You didn’t.

You just didn’t have the words for what you wanted to say for a bit, that’s all. They were just delayed.

But we want to hear all your words, even if they’re not the ones we hoped to hear.

[tablescraps]

( No response for a period of time. )

I knew a man who believed that much of the pain of living came from wanting. That fulfilling one desire prevented the fulfillment of another desire - that achieving one desire meant its satisfaction was fleeting, and a new want would takes its place. Humans are born with an endless hunger and thirst, he said.

After my accident, I wanted almost nothing. The "almost" meant I still understood loss. And the loss is agonizing, searing.

But there are times and situations the loss is less suffocating. Sitting among hundreds of people and neither wanting to live nor die, neither wanting this weather nor another, neither wanting to be here nor there.

My stomach scraped empty, but I felt at ease. It was steady. I could focus on the one thing I wanted.

Now it's difficult. I'm starting to recall what it feels to starve. I'm hungry, and I can't think.

I don't like it.

[tinged]

It sounds like that man was deliberately making himself unhappy, choosing to be blind when he could see. Closing his ears when he could hear. Holding his nose so he couldn’t breathe. Making life into his own addiction. If he understood so much, why does it sound like he never achieved any sort of relief? Where, then, lies happiness? Satisfaction?

[ what a foolish man. ]

In some small ways, he’s not wrong. But he’s not right.

Do you believe him?

Were you really at ease or were you simply mollified by routine? If you were ever full, would you be able to tell?

And when you felt our love in the space of your heart, dipping into your empty stomach, was there… only dissatisfaction? We left nothing worthwhile?

Don’t be afraid to tell me the truth.

[tablescraps]

( ... )

He's the man I want to kill. He taught me hunger like I'd never known it.

I was a different person before I met him.

( Not a better person. Just different. Like if Hani had broken down Tylor and dug in him a cavern, and then - began the whole process again, ceaselessly. )

It feels warm, with the two of you - apart or together. Like a hot meal, hearty and full.

But when it was all of us together - sometimes... It felt like some of the ingredients didn't agree with me, and they were getting me sick. And then, even so, I wanted to eat.

[tinged]

[ … to kill. hm. ]

Did you like yourself then?

[ … ]

And when you tried to tell us last time, I couldn’t quite understand because I didn’t think you understood us. I’m sorry.

I wish there was a way to take away the ingredients that were - are bad for you. Or turn them into good things, fix them somehow.

[tablescraps]

No.

( He thought maybe he could, if he just got what he wanted. But that man only dug the cavern deeper and deeper - an endless, ravenous maw.

He doesn't answer the apology yet. )

You can't fix a dish that isn't someone's taste.

You and Tylor wouldn't be who you are without each other, right?

[tinged]

We are two, not one.

[ despite the way they crave it; each intimate moment makes it stronger. ]

Justy-kun and I would still be ourselves without each other. I am not less without him, though no doubt I would certainly feel like it. If he’s happy, then I could be happy, too, even if he lets me go.

But I wouldn’t like it.

I

Sometimes it feels like you think Justy-kun and I are connected in a way that’s superior to your connection to him. That’s not the case. I just understand him in a different way, not a better way. We met at a different point, that’s it. There’s a lot I don’t know.

[tablescraps]

( A time passes. )

Even if these things are true, you and Tylor will remain together.

There's nothing here to change, that can change.

[tinged]

[ … ]

And you don’t like us together, if we want you.

[tablescraps]

Yes.

I hate him. But it's as he said.

( "Fulfilling one desire prevents the fulfillment of another." )

[tinged]

[ hani responds to the second part of his message, skipping the first entirely. they need more time. ]

Can you elaborate? How is he correct?

[tablescraps]

You and Tylor want to be with each other, but that means you can't be with me.

In fulfilling one, you forfeit the other.

[tinged]

Oh. No, that’s wrong.

I could see how you could interpret that as him being right, but… it’s like looking at a star and thinking you know it. But what you’re looking at is a tiny snapshot in time from years long past.

Justy-kun may have his own opinions, and being with you would be nice, but I want to love you. I want to be allowed to love you. I want to love you enough that one day, you can understand a sliver of how I see you.

That… doesn’t necessarily mean we have to be together, does it? I can stay by your side, but just not in that way, right?

If you go, I will still love you. If I’m not allowed to touch you, I will still love you, forever I think. There’s no forfeiting that love.

[ and they don’t think they have to mention their hunger for him. ]

And I think rather than being a special case that’s made to prove his foolishness, what we are is a little different. A little special. I doubt he would have ever thought of a situation like this.

[tablescraps]

( ... )

Would you be happy this way?

[tinged]

Would you still let me touch you? Would you still want my touch?

[tablescraps]

( ... )

I think so.

But I don't know if I want to say it.

[tinged]

Let my stay by your side before you go. Before your time is too short and too soon. So I can say goodbye with a smile.

Happiness would be the least of my worries then.

[tablescraps]

( There is a pause here, too, before he answers this. )

Okay.

If that's what you want.

[tinged]

[ and.

type. backspace. type. backspace.

none of the words are what hani wants. eventually they just settle on: ]

When we’re together, all three of us, I’ll try to make sure it’s just one of us at a time. And not me and him together.

[ which makes no sense, but it’s what comes out. maybe mithrun understands still. ]

I don’t want you to be sick.