@Mithrun1

[tablescraps]

@Mithrun1

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[tinged]

Would you still let me touch you? Would you still want my touch?

[tablescraps]

( ... )

I think so.

But I don't know if I want to say it.

[tinged]

Let my stay by your side before you go. Before your time is too short and too soon. So I can say goodbye with a smile.

Happiness would be the least of my worries then.

[tablescraps]

( There is a pause here, too, before he answers this. )

Okay.

If that's what you want.

[tinged]

[ and.

type. backspace. type. backspace.

none of the words are what hani wants. eventually they just settle on: ]

When we’re together, all three of us, I’ll try to make sure it’s just one of us at a time. And not me and him together.

[ which makes no sense, but it’s what comes out. maybe mithrun understands still. ]

I don’t want you to be sick.

[tablescraps]

That's not realistic.

( But that doesn't mean it fails to convey. He knows that's... a lot, coming from Hani. All of it is. )

And it's contradictory. But I like that you do what you want, or try.

[tinged]

I am doing what I want. I am, we are going to love you so much that you can’t possibly doubt that you aren’t. That anything can eclipse you when you’re with us.

That you can feel sick or uneasy and say it right then and there.

[tablescraps]

( Then don't feel responsible if you can't help but kiss Tylor, don't think you've made me sick when you lean into him and murmur to him and smile at him in a way he seems to know the words to. You can't help it - because you are as you are, and you give love and you take it voraciously, and that's what I like about you.

It does remind him of how it felt so long ago - feelings that seem almost prehistoric. Sitting at a table with Niamh and Cael, realizing they both have an accent now - and the language they spoke now was for each other.

It's possible he's projecting, but he hasn't worked out his feelings that far yet. He hasn't worked out any of this so articulately, so none of it leaves his lips, or even halfway formulate in his head.

He lets his feelings brew. )

Thank you for loving me, despite everything.

[tinged]

I’m happy to love you through anything.

And I think I hate that man.

[tablescraps]

( Ah... )

I do, as well. But he won't be around forever.

( This would sound maybe positive if Mithrun hadn't expressed intent to kill him earlier. )

[tinged]

[ nothing is forever. but what mithrun had said earlier… ]

Oh.

Is he part of the “soon”?

[tablescraps]

Yes. He's not an easy man to kill, so there will be a cost.

( Or maybe he just wants there to be. )

[tinged]

[ hani has no feelings about the man dying. none. death comes for everyone and the man will die when he dies.

but. ]

It makes me sad that, in the end, he still gets a part of you. He’s still rewarded.

He shouldn’t be allowed even a single piece. Not a sliver, not a breath.

[tablescraps]

( ... )

Is it still a reward if he doesn't want me?

[tinged]

Yes, my love.

[ what a fool, what a fool. ]

[tablescraps]

( He's not upset with Hani, but he does know he's as fastened to this path as a train is to its tracks. )

You accept joy and pain evenly, don't you? But... I can't be glad this happened to me. I can only get angry, and this is where my anger leads me.

[tinged]

I can’t understand your anger because anger is new to me. For you, I wish I could. But I do know that you would not go into something like this lightly because yours is a will more fierce and fantastic than all else.

So I won’t stop you. It would be doing you a great disservice to doubt your anger, your reasons, your choices.

I still wish you would take one of us with you on this path. Not to the end, if it’s not our time, but to the threshold, so that love can follow you to the end.

It’s what makes sense to me.

[tablescraps]

( ... )

Okay. If you still love me then, I'll take you.

I don't say that because I think your love must necessarily end, but because I think feelings changing is part of being human. But I don't mind taking you anyway, even if what you feel then ends up being something new.

[tinged]

[ ah - they should - ]

You’re right.

And before, when I said don’t change who you are, I meant… don’t change who you are for us - or anyone. Unless you want to. Only if you want to.

I worry that you’ll be pressured by our love. But I also know you’re strong enough to say no.

That said, I’ll love you forever, but the shape of it might change.

And. Thank you for saying yes.

[tablescraps]

( Ah, so they meant it that way. )

I won't change for you, or Tylor.

I think I did try, for a minute. But... I don't want to, and I realized I couldn't, even if I did. I can only really be myself.

So, sorry for trying. But I won't do it again. And thanks for wanting to come, ( for loving him, even so, ) when it's time for me to go.

text > phone

[tinged]

[ those are all the words, they think.

but they don’t want to say “it’s okay” or “you’re forgiven” or “you’re welcome.”

the only thing they want to say when they call him and leave a message is: ]

I love you, Morgan. Mithrun.

[ whispered with soft affection despite their sore throat, dropping all the honorifics for once.

that’s all. ]

[tablescraps]

( He listens to the message, and leaves it as it is, because he's said everything he knows how to say, and he think Hani has, too - in the way they say his names, in the way they drop the suffixes they always use.

He thinks he was wrong trying to book into Hani and Tylor's language and speak of love in those words when it's foreign on his tongue - so he can't and won't return it. His mistakes and stumblings are for Hani and Tylor's ears only.

But... he thinks he understands a little better how they mean it when they say it in the wake of the beat in his chest, and maybe they can understand him a little better too, even in his quiet he gives them in turn. Not indifference, not malice. But an intentional gesture, in substitution of speech.

Despite everything, he doesn't regret knowing them. )