The only thing that would make me feel at ease when it comes to him is knowing the Waves are stopped.
( And he knows it sounds like an impossible want, when he finally articulates it. No way Cubia would let things end with one wayward avatar murdered. Just... )
It sounds like I did make you feel lonely. At least, I left you behind.
( Like... throwing himself bodily at the professor problem. )
I feel the same way. I don't know what to do if I have to sit still.
A little. But it's not anyone's fault. [He knows well enough when he needs to put some of his more knee-jerk emotions aside, now that he's pulled himself together again.]
If it's hard, then sit still with someone else.
Maybe it won't feel much better, and it won't solve your problem. But it makes it easier when you're not by yourself. And if you're just going to be mad waiting by yourself, you're going to just tire yourself out and not be ready for what you need.
Right now? My goal was to listen to the city. I knew it would make me feel a little better. And I got some practice with my crutches. So I'm not really that much closer to being helpful. But I feel better. So it's better than sitting still.
We can find you one too, Morgan. It doesn't have to be sitting and waiting.
( Quiet for a time, circling Telophoroi like a vulture. )
I'll be there soon.
( It's an ambiguous response, but he wouldn't be coming if he meant to argue with Barrett's perspective. It's not easy to swallow; it's uncomfortable and antiethical to how his habits have formed him.
But if there's anyone worth the discomfort, it's Barrett. He doesn't know if he can orient himself the way Barrett suggests, he doesn't know if they can find him something. But, he's willing to try.
And if he keeps at it here, he's going to work himself up into a violence. )
[Each delay disheartens him slightly. But it's momentary. He knows it must not be easy, and Mithrun things so hard and so long and Barrett can't imagine what sorts of things go on in his head. So the response comes, and he takes it at face value.]
In this case, it's presumably because Mithrun is navigating, not because he's thinking (and he does generally have to really piece things out in his thoughts when there's a delay in his replies toward feelingsy things). He can use his grunty while he's outside, so that's not the issue, but his lack of direction is a consistent problem. He intends to meet with Barrett shortly, so there's no need to send another message.
But the delay stretches on a little overlong this time. It goes, and goes, until...
Well.
He'd thought over what Barrett wrote. He really, really had. And he was willing to try, but. Unfortunately, Fandaniel is Mithrun's personal Waffle House chef and he can't not get baited by him.
Eventually, a response does come: )
Go inside. I'm going to be a little late. But I'll be back safe.
( Does he feel bad, after the conversation they just had? A little. He knows this is... unfair to Barrett; it's what Mithrun'd just felt guilty about - leaving him behind, leaving Barrett to worry about him. But when is he going to get this chance again before it's Fandaniel's time?
He knows Barrett can find Fandaniel's comment on the forums if he looks, so Mithrun doesn't specify, but he doesn't try to hide it, either. He leaves it ambiguous. But he doesn't intend to die here, regardless of whether he chooses violence or not - and if he chooses to refrain, it will be largely to Barrett's credit.
But, well, who knows, with how easily Fandaniel irritates him. )
Yes. I normally don't care about people who annoy me once it's done with.
( As much as it's surprised people, especially considering his primary motivator in life usually being revenge, he doesn't really hold grudges or care to maintain his anger. And yet... )
But even when he wasn't Fidchell, I couldn't stand him.
He's really good at learning what makes people react bad. You remember the dinner, right? I don't think I'd ever seen you that mad before, and I didn't even know what was happening.
Did he do anything special to make you this upset?
[Ok, normal annoying player behavior, sounds pretty sta--
...
What?]
Feeding me?
Oh, you mean from the dinner. That bothered you?
[He was oblivious at the time, but had also assumed Morgan was still intensely upset at him after the previous incident of the day at the ferris wheel. It had been hard, but he'd thought the distance might have been better for them on opposite ends.
I didn't know why you were sitting with him, of all people. He didn't seem like someone you'd like.
( Well, he knows now - Lily fans, as they were. But even knowing that now doesn't make the composition less annoying. )
He doesn't deserve you. He doesn't deserve to be near you. But you were so friendly with him.
( And they were in the middle of that awkward spell thanks to the ferris wheel... It's not like it didn't make sense, why Barrett wanted space away from him. He would've accepted it, he did accept it, but it felt....... And he never got to reconcile it, with what happened the following day. )
Deserve? That's kind of extreme. He didn't do anything wrong to me. And I'm not anything special.
We never really got along well. He's a lot smarter than me, and I don't think he thinks that much of me. But for that dinner? We knew the other was talking to Lily.
The first time I spoke to him about it, I actually attacked him. But we talked, and he exchanged phone numbers with me. Nothing changed much, other than we agreed Lily was more important than disagreements, and that I learned he was a good cook.
I didn't really get why he seated me next to him, either. But I was trying my best to understand him more, because he's still a person. I got to see a different side of him when we were working together.
I can't tell you what you feel or not. But I remember when I was Tarvos, I'd feel the same way sometimes. When I saw that Fandaniel was liked by Lily more than me, or when I saw you being approached by so many people when you were turning into Macha. It made me feel like it was... unfair. Like I wanted to have what those other people had. It made me really upset.
Tarvos learned it was jealousy. So he liked to be around it a lot. But I never really liked how it felt.
( He reads the message over a few times. Jealousy... Like a language he'd forgotten to speak, but feels familiar to the ears. He thinks he felt that way a lot before the accident, now that it's been described to him. And... back then. )
I guess that did feel that way. During the dinner. And when you were defending him now.
Maybe that you'll start to get along with them better. And I won't really know until later.
( "Better" should have a "than me" after, but he won't articulate it. "Them" because it's not just about Fandaniel, though he doesn't like him. But the feeling is freshly-seared in his heart, after Gorre's fight, where he's heard that man again - words he resists out of spite, but which ring true in some muffled and uncomfortable way.
It's hard, finding someone you're comfortable with, and finding things weren't really what you thought, and handn't been that way for awhile. )
( Cubia's kind of always a peripheral concern in all fields, so he's not going to lie, but that's not... exactly where this came from.
A pause. )
It's not that I don't want you to have friends.
( A... pause again.
This was hard to explain when... technically, they're not - a thing, exactly. There's feelings here, he understands that much, but... And ultimately, it's stupid - thinking about it won't change that it'll happen if it's going to. But it's been at the forefront of his mind since the professor, and it's bothered him in Fragment some, and - he feels worse about it, with his voice still so fresh in his head, though Mithrun wants to think he's refusing to acknowledge it. )
You said it yourself. You can't promise you won't feel the way you do for me for someone else.
It just happens faster than I realize, when I'm not looking. That's how it's been in the past.
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( And he knows it sounds like an impossible want, when he finally articulates it. No way Cubia would let things end with one wayward avatar murdered. Just... )
It sounds like I did make you feel lonely. At least, I left you behind.
( Like... throwing himself bodily at the professor problem. )
I feel the same way. I don't know what to do if I have to sit still.
no subject
If it's hard, then sit still with someone else.
Maybe it won't feel much better, and it won't solve your problem. But it makes it easier when you're not by yourself. And if you're just going to be mad waiting by yourself, you're going to just tire yourself out and not be ready for what you need.
Right now? My goal was to listen to the city. I knew it would make me feel a little better. And I got some practice with my crutches. So I'm not really that much closer to being helpful. But I feel better. So it's better than sitting still.
We can find you one too, Morgan. It doesn't have to be sitting and waiting.
no subject
I'll be there soon.
( It's an ambiguous response, but he wouldn't be coming if he meant to argue with Barrett's perspective. It's not easy to swallow; it's uncomfortable and antiethical to how his habits have formed him.
But if there's anyone worth the discomfort, it's Barrett. He doesn't know if he can orient himself the way Barrett suggests, he doesn't know if they can find him something. But, he's willing to try.
And if he keeps at it here, he's going to work himself up into a violence. )
no subject
Okay.
I'll stay out here.
no subject
In this case, it's presumably because Mithrun is navigating, not because he's thinking (and he does generally have to really piece things out in his thoughts when there's a delay in his replies toward feelingsy things). He can use his grunty while he's outside, so that's not the issue, but his lack of direction is a consistent problem. He intends to meet with Barrett shortly, so there's no need to send another message.
But the delay stretches on a little overlong this time. It goes, and goes, until...
Well.
He'd thought over what Barrett wrote. He really, really had. And he was willing to try, but. Unfortunately, Fandaniel is Mithrun's personal Waffle House chef and he can't not get baited by him.
Eventually, a response does come: )
Go inside. I'm going to be a little late. But I'll be back safe.
( Does he feel bad, after the conversation they just had? A little. He knows this is... unfair to Barrett; it's what Mithrun'd just felt guilty about - leaving him behind, leaving Barrett to worry about him. But when is he going to get this chance again before it's Fandaniel's time?
He knows Barrett can find Fandaniel's comment on the forums if he looks, so Mithrun doesn't specify, but he doesn't try to hide it, either. He leaves it ambiguous. But he doesn't intend to die here, regardless of whether he chooses violence or not - and if he chooses to refrain, it will be largely to Barrett's credit.
But, well, who knows, with how easily Fandaniel irritates him. )
no subject
Okay.
Are you alright?
no subject
I don't know why he makes me so angry.
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Fandaniel?
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( As much as it's surprised people, especially considering his primary motivator in life usually being revenge, he doesn't really hold grudges or care to maintain his anger. And yet... )
But even when he wasn't Fidchell, I couldn't stand him.
( Like the whole thing at the Telo dinner... )
no subject
Did he do anything special to make you this upset?
no subject
( That's what had made him so irritated at the dinner. Or...
...
Now that he's thinking about it, it wasn't just that, was it? Fandaniel always has to go a little further each time. )
I wasn't going to say anything about the flowers, but, at the dinner... He kept glancing at me while feeding you. I really hated it.
no subject
...
What?]
Feeding me?
Oh, you mean from the dinner. That bothered you?
[He was oblivious at the time, but had also assumed Morgan was still intensely upset at him after the previous incident of the day at the ferris wheel. It had been hard, but he'd thought the distance might have been better for them on opposite ends.
Did Morgan think differently?]
no subject
( Well, he knows now - Lily fans, as they were. But even knowing that now doesn't make the composition less annoying. )
He doesn't deserve you. He doesn't deserve to be near you. But you were so friendly with him.
( And they were in the middle of that awkward spell thanks to the ferris wheel... It's not like it didn't make sense, why Barrett wanted space away from him. He would've accepted it, he did accept it, but it felt....... And he never got to reconcile it, with what happened the following day. )
no subject
We never really got along well. He's a lot smarter than me, and I don't think he thinks that much of me. But for that dinner? We knew the other was talking to Lily.
The first time I spoke to him about it, I actually attacked him. But we talked, and he exchanged phone numbers with me. Nothing changed much, other than we agreed Lily was more important than disagreements, and that I learned he was a good cook.
I didn't really get why he seated me next to him, either. But I was trying my best to understand him more, because he's still a person. I got to see a different side of him when we were working together.
no subject
And what are you trying to say, you're not special?
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You don't have to like him. I still don't really like him.
no subject
You deserve more than him. You deserve more than most people. You do to me.
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Morgan, do you think you might have just been jealous?
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:thinking: )
Does it sound like I am?
( Barrett is the former jealousy expert... )
It does make me irritated, thinking about the two of you at the dinner. Even now.
no subject
I can't tell you what you feel or not. But I remember when I was Tarvos, I'd feel the same way sometimes. When I saw that Fandaniel was liked by Lily more than me, or when I saw you being approached by so many people when you were turning into Macha. It made me feel like it was... unfair. Like I wanted to have what those other people had. It made me really upset.
Tarvos learned it was jealousy. So he liked to be around it a lot. But I never really liked how it felt.
no subject
I guess that did feel that way. During the dinner. And when you were defending him now.
( "he wasn't defending him" angery!!!!!!!!!!! )
no subject
Can you tell me more?
What are you worried is going to happen, when you feel that way?
[He remembers how Tarvos felt, at least, even under the swarm of envy.]
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( Does he really not, though?
It's happened to him a few times already. )
Maybe that you'll start to get along with them better. And I won't really know until later.
( "Better" should have a "than me" after, but he won't articulate it. "Them" because it's not just about Fandaniel, though he doesn't like him. But the feeling is freshly-seared in his heart, after Gorre's fight, where he's heard that man again - words he resists out of spite, but which ring true in some muffled and uncomfortable way.
It's hard, finding someone you're comfortable with, and finding things weren't really what you thought, and handn't been that way for awhile. )
no subject
Why does it matter that much to you who I'm friends with?
Is this about Cubia again?
no subject
( Cubia's kind of always a peripheral concern in all fields, so he's not going to lie, but that's not... exactly where this came from.
A pause. )
It's not that I don't want you to have friends.
( A... pause again.
This was hard to explain when... technically, they're not - a thing, exactly. There's feelings here, he understands that much, but... And ultimately, it's stupid - thinking about it won't change that it'll happen if it's going to. But it's been at the forefront of his mind since the professor, and it's bothered him in Fragment some, and - he feels worse about it, with his voice still so fresh in his head, though Mithrun wants to think he's refusing to acknowledge it. )
You said it yourself. You can't promise you won't feel the way you do for me for someone else.
It just happens faster than I realize, when I'm not looking. That's how it's been in the past.
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