( Quiet for a time, circling Telophoroi like a vulture. )
I'll be there soon.
( It's an ambiguous response, but he wouldn't be coming if he meant to argue with Barrett's perspective. It's not easy to swallow; it's uncomfortable and antiethical to how his habits have formed him.
But if there's anyone worth the discomfort, it's Barrett. He doesn't know if he can orient himself the way Barrett suggests, he doesn't know if they can find him something. But, he's willing to try.
And if he keeps at it here, he's going to work himself up into a violence. )
[Each delay disheartens him slightly. But it's momentary. He knows it must not be easy, and Mithrun things so hard and so long and Barrett can't imagine what sorts of things go on in his head. So the response comes, and he takes it at face value.]
In this case, it's presumably because Mithrun is navigating, not because he's thinking (and he does generally have to really piece things out in his thoughts when there's a delay in his replies toward feelingsy things). He can use his grunty while he's outside, so that's not the issue, but his lack of direction is a consistent problem. He intends to meet with Barrett shortly, so there's no need to send another message.
But the delay stretches on a little overlong this time. It goes, and goes, until...
Well.
He'd thought over what Barrett wrote. He really, really had. And he was willing to try, but. Unfortunately, Fandaniel is Mithrun's personal Waffle House chef and he can't not get baited by him.
Eventually, a response does come: )
Go inside. I'm going to be a little late. But I'll be back safe.
( Does he feel bad, after the conversation they just had? A little. He knows this is... unfair to Barrett; it's what Mithrun'd just felt guilty about - leaving him behind, leaving Barrett to worry about him. But when is he going to get this chance again before it's Fandaniel's time?
He knows Barrett can find Fandaniel's comment on the forums if he looks, so Mithrun doesn't specify, but he doesn't try to hide it, either. He leaves it ambiguous. But he doesn't intend to die here, regardless of whether he chooses violence or not - and if he chooses to refrain, it will be largely to Barrett's credit.
But, well, who knows, with how easily Fandaniel irritates him. )
Yes. I normally don't care about people who annoy me once it's done with.
( As much as it's surprised people, especially considering his primary motivator in life usually being revenge, he doesn't really hold grudges or care to maintain his anger. And yet... )
But even when he wasn't Fidchell, I couldn't stand him.
He's really good at learning what makes people react bad. You remember the dinner, right? I don't think I'd ever seen you that mad before, and I didn't even know what was happening.
Did he do anything special to make you this upset?
[Ok, normal annoying player behavior, sounds pretty sta--
...
What?]
Feeding me?
Oh, you mean from the dinner. That bothered you?
[He was oblivious at the time, but had also assumed Morgan was still intensely upset at him after the previous incident of the day at the ferris wheel. It had been hard, but he'd thought the distance might have been better for them on opposite ends.
I didn't know why you were sitting with him, of all people. He didn't seem like someone you'd like.
( Well, he knows now - Lily fans, as they were. But even knowing that now doesn't make the composition less annoying. )
He doesn't deserve you. He doesn't deserve to be near you. But you were so friendly with him.
( And they were in the middle of that awkward spell thanks to the ferris wheel... It's not like it didn't make sense, why Barrett wanted space away from him. He would've accepted it, he did accept it, but it felt....... And he never got to reconcile it, with what happened the following day. )
Deserve? That's kind of extreme. He didn't do anything wrong to me. And I'm not anything special.
We never really got along well. He's a lot smarter than me, and I don't think he thinks that much of me. But for that dinner? We knew the other was talking to Lily.
The first time I spoke to him about it, I actually attacked him. But we talked, and he exchanged phone numbers with me. Nothing changed much, other than we agreed Lily was more important than disagreements, and that I learned he was a good cook.
I didn't really get why he seated me next to him, either. But I was trying my best to understand him more, because he's still a person. I got to see a different side of him when we were working together.
I can't tell you what you feel or not. But I remember when I was Tarvos, I'd feel the same way sometimes. When I saw that Fandaniel was liked by Lily more than me, or when I saw you being approached by so many people when you were turning into Macha. It made me feel like it was... unfair. Like I wanted to have what those other people had. It made me really upset.
Tarvos learned it was jealousy. So he liked to be around it a lot. But I never really liked how it felt.
( He reads the message over a few times. Jealousy... Like a language he'd forgotten to speak, but feels familiar to the ears. He thinks he felt that way a lot before the accident, now that it's been described to him. And... back then. )
I guess that did feel that way. During the dinner. And when you were defending him now.
Maybe that you'll start to get along with them better. And I won't really know until later.
( "Better" should have a "than me" after, but he won't articulate it. "Them" because it's not just about Fandaniel, though he doesn't like him. But the feeling is freshly-seared in his heart, after Gorre's fight, where he's heard that man again - words he resists out of spite, but which ring true in some muffled and uncomfortable way.
It's hard, finding someone you're comfortable with, and finding things weren't really what you thought, and handn't been that way for awhile. )
( Cubia's kind of always a peripheral concern in all fields, so he's not going to lie, but that's not... exactly where this came from.
A pause. )
It's not that I don't want you to have friends.
( A... pause again.
This was hard to explain when... technically, they're not - a thing, exactly. There's feelings here, he understands that much, but... And ultimately, it's stupid - thinking about it won't change that it'll happen if it's going to. But it's been at the forefront of his mind since the professor, and it's bothered him in Fragment some, and - he feels worse about it, with his voice still so fresh in his head, though Mithrun wants to think he's refusing to acknowledge it. )
You said it yourself. You can't promise you won't feel the way you do for me for someone else.
It just happens faster than I realize, when I'm not looking. That's how it's been in the past.
It's not something he's been able to dwell on very seriously since regaining his senses. He knows they need to talk. He knows there's a lot of work between them that needs to be done. But it was always what would come, in his mind. To worry about the future in this sense wasn't as important.
But the world didn't revolve around him.
And when he thinks back on Macha, thinks back on the ways he insisted, the broken ways he spoke and formed logic... it slowly, dimly feels like it makes sense, why Lily might have chosen Morgan.]
( Who is he defending? But he's not trying to start a fight, he's not trying to say Barrett's fickle, or anything. He just, he doesn't know, he's not answering directly, for once. He is easy to leave behind. It's not on purpose. It wouldn't make any sense for people to think of him while they're getting closer to anyone else. They just aren't thinking of him at all.
Because he and them are, after all, not anything in particular. )
Before Fragment... There was someone I loved, Niamh, and I'd loved her for around half a decade. And she held herself like she had feelings for me, too. I had to go to that boarding school for several years, the one you saw in that memory. We wrote all that time. And then, when I graduated... I found out she was engaged to my brother.
( And then... things happened. There's almost several year gap between his graduation and Fragment. A lot of things happened. But they don't matter to this story. )
That sort of thing happens every so often. I understand why. The bullet may have changed me somewhat, but... I know I have more bad qualities than good qualities. And there are a lot of good people out there.
( His brother is one. His brother is as good as you can get. And the rest... )
I know that, but I still get frustrated.
( "Frustrated," he says, like there's something taboo about admitting to fear. )
But it's fine. We don't have to talk about this. I do remember now, the things we talked about, in Malibu, and other times. I know you can't really promise anything. It won't really be a problem if I can stop thinking about it.
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no subject
I'll be there soon.
( It's an ambiguous response, but he wouldn't be coming if he meant to argue with Barrett's perspective. It's not easy to swallow; it's uncomfortable and antiethical to how his habits have formed him.
But if there's anyone worth the discomfort, it's Barrett. He doesn't know if he can orient himself the way Barrett suggests, he doesn't know if they can find him something. But, he's willing to try.
And if he keeps at it here, he's going to work himself up into a violence. )
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Okay.
I'll stay out here.
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In this case, it's presumably because Mithrun is navigating, not because he's thinking (and he does generally have to really piece things out in his thoughts when there's a delay in his replies toward feelingsy things). He can use his grunty while he's outside, so that's not the issue, but his lack of direction is a consistent problem. He intends to meet with Barrett shortly, so there's no need to send another message.
But the delay stretches on a little overlong this time. It goes, and goes, until...
Well.
He'd thought over what Barrett wrote. He really, really had. And he was willing to try, but. Unfortunately, Fandaniel is Mithrun's personal Waffle House chef and he can't not get baited by him.
Eventually, a response does come: )
Go inside. I'm going to be a little late. But I'll be back safe.
( Does he feel bad, after the conversation they just had? A little. He knows this is... unfair to Barrett; it's what Mithrun'd just felt guilty about - leaving him behind, leaving Barrett to worry about him. But when is he going to get this chance again before it's Fandaniel's time?
He knows Barrett can find Fandaniel's comment on the forums if he looks, so Mithrun doesn't specify, but he doesn't try to hide it, either. He leaves it ambiguous. But he doesn't intend to die here, regardless of whether he chooses violence or not - and if he chooses to refrain, it will be largely to Barrett's credit.
But, well, who knows, with how easily Fandaniel irritates him. )
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Okay.
Are you alright?
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I don't know why he makes me so angry.
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Fandaniel?
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( As much as it's surprised people, especially considering his primary motivator in life usually being revenge, he doesn't really hold grudges or care to maintain his anger. And yet... )
But even when he wasn't Fidchell, I couldn't stand him.
( Like the whole thing at the Telo dinner... )
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Did he do anything special to make you this upset?
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( That's what had made him so irritated at the dinner. Or...
...
Now that he's thinking about it, it wasn't just that, was it? Fandaniel always has to go a little further each time. )
I wasn't going to say anything about the flowers, but, at the dinner... He kept glancing at me while feeding you. I really hated it.
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...
What?]
Feeding me?
Oh, you mean from the dinner. That bothered you?
[He was oblivious at the time, but had also assumed Morgan was still intensely upset at him after the previous incident of the day at the ferris wheel. It had been hard, but he'd thought the distance might have been better for them on opposite ends.
Did Morgan think differently?]
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( Well, he knows now - Lily fans, as they were. But even knowing that now doesn't make the composition less annoying. )
He doesn't deserve you. He doesn't deserve to be near you. But you were so friendly with him.
( And they were in the middle of that awkward spell thanks to the ferris wheel... It's not like it didn't make sense, why Barrett wanted space away from him. He would've accepted it, he did accept it, but it felt....... And he never got to reconcile it, with what happened the following day. )
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We never really got along well. He's a lot smarter than me, and I don't think he thinks that much of me. But for that dinner? We knew the other was talking to Lily.
The first time I spoke to him about it, I actually attacked him. But we talked, and he exchanged phone numbers with me. Nothing changed much, other than we agreed Lily was more important than disagreements, and that I learned he was a good cook.
I didn't really get why he seated me next to him, either. But I was trying my best to understand him more, because he's still a person. I got to see a different side of him when we were working together.
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And what are you trying to say, you're not special?
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You don't have to like him. I still don't really like him.
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You deserve more than him. You deserve more than most people. You do to me.
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Morgan, do you think you might have just been jealous?
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:thinking: )
Does it sound like I am?
( Barrett is the former jealousy expert... )
It does make me irritated, thinking about the two of you at the dinner. Even now.
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I can't tell you what you feel or not. But I remember when I was Tarvos, I'd feel the same way sometimes. When I saw that Fandaniel was liked by Lily more than me, or when I saw you being approached by so many people when you were turning into Macha. It made me feel like it was... unfair. Like I wanted to have what those other people had. It made me really upset.
Tarvos learned it was jealousy. So he liked to be around it a lot. But I never really liked how it felt.
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I guess that did feel that way. During the dinner. And when you were defending him now.
( "he wasn't defending him" angery!!!!!!!!!!! )
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Can you tell me more?
What are you worried is going to happen, when you feel that way?
[He remembers how Tarvos felt, at least, even under the swarm of envy.]
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( Does he really not, though?
It's happened to him a few times already. )
Maybe that you'll start to get along with them better. And I won't really know until later.
( "Better" should have a "than me" after, but he won't articulate it. "Them" because it's not just about Fandaniel, though he doesn't like him. But the feeling is freshly-seared in his heart, after Gorre's fight, where he's heard that man again - words he resists out of spite, but which ring true in some muffled and uncomfortable way.
It's hard, finding someone you're comfortable with, and finding things weren't really what you thought, and handn't been that way for awhile. )
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Why does it matter that much to you who I'm friends with?
Is this about Cubia again?
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( Cubia's kind of always a peripheral concern in all fields, so he's not going to lie, but that's not... exactly where this came from.
A pause. )
It's not that I don't want you to have friends.
( A... pause again.
This was hard to explain when... technically, they're not - a thing, exactly. There's feelings here, he understands that much, but... And ultimately, it's stupid - thinking about it won't change that it'll happen if it's going to. But it's been at the forefront of his mind since the professor, and it's bothered him in Fragment some, and - he feels worse about it, with his voice still so fresh in his head, though Mithrun wants to think he's refusing to acknowledge it. )
You said it yourself. You can't promise you won't feel the way you do for me for someone else.
It just happens faster than I realize, when I'm not looking. That's how it's been in the past.
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It's not something he's been able to dwell on very seriously since regaining his senses. He knows they need to talk. He knows there's a lot of work between them that needs to be done. But it was always what would come, in his mind. To worry about the future in this sense wasn't as important.
But the world didn't revolve around him.
And when he thinks back on Macha, thinks back on the ways he insisted, the broken ways he spoke and formed logic... it slowly, dimly feels like it makes sense, why Lily might have chosen Morgan.]
The past?
Are you scared you'll be left behind?
no subject
( Who is he defending? But he's not trying to start a fight, he's not trying to say Barrett's fickle, or anything. He just, he doesn't know, he's not answering directly, for once. He is easy to leave behind. It's not on purpose. It wouldn't make any sense for people to think of him while they're getting closer to anyone else. They just aren't thinking of him at all.
Because he and them are, after all, not anything in particular. )
Before Fragment... There was someone I loved, Niamh, and I'd loved her for around half a decade. And she held herself like she had feelings for me, too. I had to go to that boarding school for several years, the one you saw in that memory. We wrote all that time. And then, when I graduated... I found out she was engaged to my brother.
( And then... things happened. There's almost several year gap between his graduation and Fragment. A lot of things happened. But they don't matter to this story. )
That sort of thing happens every so often. I understand why. The bullet may have changed me somewhat, but... I know I have more bad qualities than good qualities. And there are a lot of good people out there.
( His brother is one. His brother is as good as you can get. And the rest... )
I know that, but I still get frustrated.
( "Frustrated," he says, like there's something taboo about admitting to fear. )
But it's fine. We don't have to talk about this. I do remember now, the things we talked about, in Malibu, and other times. I know you can't really promise anything. It won't really be a problem if I can stop thinking about it.
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