Maybe that you'll start to get along with them better. And I won't really know until later.
( "Better" should have a "than me" after, but he won't articulate it. "Them" because it's not just about Fandaniel, though he doesn't like him. But the feeling is freshly-seared in his heart, after Gorre's fight, where he's heard that man again - words he resists out of spite, but which ring true in some muffled and uncomfortable way.
It's hard, finding someone you're comfortable with, and finding things weren't really what you thought, and handn't been that way for awhile. )
( Cubia's kind of always a peripheral concern in all fields, so he's not going to lie, but that's not... exactly where this came from.
A pause. )
It's not that I don't want you to have friends.
( A... pause again.
This was hard to explain when... technically, they're not - a thing, exactly. There's feelings here, he understands that much, but... And ultimately, it's stupid - thinking about it won't change that it'll happen if it's going to. But it's been at the forefront of his mind since the professor, and it's bothered him in Fragment some, and - he feels worse about it, with his voice still so fresh in his head, though Mithrun wants to think he's refusing to acknowledge it. )
You said it yourself. You can't promise you won't feel the way you do for me for someone else.
It just happens faster than I realize, when I'm not looking. That's how it's been in the past.
It's not something he's been able to dwell on very seriously since regaining his senses. He knows they need to talk. He knows there's a lot of work between them that needs to be done. But it was always what would come, in his mind. To worry about the future in this sense wasn't as important.
But the world didn't revolve around him.
And when he thinks back on Macha, thinks back on the ways he insisted, the broken ways he spoke and formed logic... it slowly, dimly feels like it makes sense, why Lily might have chosen Morgan.]
( Who is he defending? But he's not trying to start a fight, he's not trying to say Barrett's fickle, or anything. He just, he doesn't know, he's not answering directly, for once. He is easy to leave behind. It's not on purpose. It wouldn't make any sense for people to think of him while they're getting closer to anyone else. They just aren't thinking of him at all.
Because he and them are, after all, not anything in particular. )
Before Fragment... There was someone I loved, Niamh, and I'd loved her for around half a decade. And she held herself like she had feelings for me, too. I had to go to that boarding school for several years, the one you saw in that memory. We wrote all that time. And then, when I graduated... I found out she was engaged to my brother.
( And then... things happened. There's almost several year gap between his graduation and Fragment. A lot of things happened. But they don't matter to this story. )
That sort of thing happens every so often. I understand why. The bullet may have changed me somewhat, but... I know I have more bad qualities than good qualities. And there are a lot of good people out there.
( His brother is one. His brother is as good as you can get. And the rest... )
I know that, but I still get frustrated.
( "Frustrated," he says, like there's something taboo about admitting to fear. )
But it's fine. We don't have to talk about this. I do remember now, the things we talked about, in Malibu, and other times. I know you can't really promise anything. It won't really be a problem if I can stop thinking about it.
[There's a long pause as he digests it, letting it have its place in his mind. He remembers seeing Cael with a wedding band on but no spouse to be seen... but more importantly, he remembers how insistent Morgan had been all those weeks ago. Don't feel the same for anyone else.
...]
Morgan,
Just because I can't make a promise to you right now doesn't mean you should stop saying how you feel. I'm not really going to know otherwise. If I just run away on you for being honest, that's on me, not you.
Maybe you have things you can improve. I won't disagree. And I can't really imagine how much you must have felt hurt and abandoned. So if it makes you frustrated, I think that feeling makes sense.
I think you're being too hard on yourself. To me, it feels like you're jumping to a lot of conclusions just because you got hurt before. That's not fair to you, or to the people that want to care about you now.
Choosing to care about someone isn't a competition you have to win. It's hard work. And... I think you work hard on other things. So I think you could work hard on this, too.
People who see the good things in you will care about you for you. They'll try to be honest with you. And if you want to change things you think aren't good about yourself, they'll try to support you and help you grow if they can.
But they can only really do that if you let them. Right?
( There's a time before his reply comes. He's almost at the Chaos Gate by now, but...
... )
I really like you.
I trust you.
I prefer being with you.
I feel like I'm going to ruin things in some way because I'm not that good at getting better.
But I think I'm trying. I don't know if it's enough, to try instead of just do. But I think I am.
I'll... try to let you help me, for as long as you're willing. I don't know what that looks like, though. So... just be honest with me too, I guess. About what you need from me, what want from me.
I want you to remember that the only way you can't get any better at all is if you give up.
I want you to remember that a lot of people love you.
I want you to rest. Actually rest. When you're ready. [He is getting the idea that that isn't happening tonight.] Because while I want to be there to help you fight, I don't want to have to hope from the sidelines that you'll always get lucky.
I want to share a meal with you. And another after that, and then another. Because there's a lot I still want to share with you, no matter what happens.
I want to feel like my words still matter to you. I want you to remember that I never say things that I don't already mean with all my heart.
I really like you. And I trust you. I want to be here for you, and with you. I want to give you someone to talk to. I want to understand.
I just need you to talk to me, and to listen to what I have to say. If we can't do that, we'll never understand each other. And if we don't understand each other, then we'll never be able to help each other.
Thanks for still... being with me, even now. Even when you were Tarvos.
( Despite the things he said, he stayed. He... kept his promise, in the end, even if Macha had feared he would not. )
I'll remember this. All this. I might not do it right, at first, but... I mean it.
I just reached the Gate, so I won't respond to any messages for a bit, but I'll see you soon. Not long from now. ( And he does mean it, give or take time spent on his (lack of) navigational sense. ) I'll cook us a recipe from the game's library when I'm back.
[He's seen FD's comment by now, and it makes his stomach twinge in the light of this entire conversation. But he keeps it close to his chest, despite his upset at the choice.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
Inbox
Important
Draft
Sent
Trash
Compose
no subject
Can you tell me more?
What are you worried is going to happen, when you feel that way?
[He remembers how Tarvos felt, at least, even under the swarm of envy.]
no subject
( Does he really not, though?
It's happened to him a few times already. )
Maybe that you'll start to get along with them better. And I won't really know until later.
( "Better" should have a "than me" after, but he won't articulate it. "Them" because it's not just about Fandaniel, though he doesn't like him. But the feeling is freshly-seared in his heart, after Gorre's fight, where he's heard that man again - words he resists out of spite, but which ring true in some muffled and uncomfortable way.
It's hard, finding someone you're comfortable with, and finding things weren't really what you thought, and handn't been that way for awhile. )
no subject
Why does it matter that much to you who I'm friends with?
Is this about Cubia again?
no subject
( Cubia's kind of always a peripheral concern in all fields, so he's not going to lie, but that's not... exactly where this came from.
A pause. )
It's not that I don't want you to have friends.
( A... pause again.
This was hard to explain when... technically, they're not - a thing, exactly. There's feelings here, he understands that much, but... And ultimately, it's stupid - thinking about it won't change that it'll happen if it's going to. But it's been at the forefront of his mind since the professor, and it's bothered him in Fragment some, and - he feels worse about it, with his voice still so fresh in his head, though Mithrun wants to think he's refusing to acknowledge it. )
You said it yourself. You can't promise you won't feel the way you do for me for someone else.
It just happens faster than I realize, when I'm not looking. That's how it's been in the past.
no subject
It's not something he's been able to dwell on very seriously since regaining his senses. He knows they need to talk. He knows there's a lot of work between them that needs to be done. But it was always what would come, in his mind. To worry about the future in this sense wasn't as important.
But the world didn't revolve around him.
And when he thinks back on Macha, thinks back on the ways he insisted, the broken ways he spoke and formed logic... it slowly, dimly feels like it makes sense, why Lily might have chosen Morgan.]
The past?
Are you scared you'll be left behind?
no subject
( Who is he defending? But he's not trying to start a fight, he's not trying to say Barrett's fickle, or anything. He just, he doesn't know, he's not answering directly, for once. He is easy to leave behind. It's not on purpose. It wouldn't make any sense for people to think of him while they're getting closer to anyone else. They just aren't thinking of him at all.
Because he and them are, after all, not anything in particular. )
Before Fragment... There was someone I loved, Niamh, and I'd loved her for around half a decade. And she held herself like she had feelings for me, too. I had to go to that boarding school for several years, the one you saw in that memory. We wrote all that time. And then, when I graduated... I found out she was engaged to my brother.
( And then... things happened. There's almost several year gap between his graduation and Fragment. A lot of things happened. But they don't matter to this story. )
That sort of thing happens every so often. I understand why. The bullet may have changed me somewhat, but... I know I have more bad qualities than good qualities. And there are a lot of good people out there.
( His brother is one. His brother is as good as you can get. And the rest... )
I know that, but I still get frustrated.
( "Frustrated," he says, like there's something taboo about admitting to fear. )
But it's fine. We don't have to talk about this. I do remember now, the things we talked about, in Malibu, and other times. I know you can't really promise anything. It won't really be a problem if I can stop thinking about it.
no subject
...]
Morgan,
Just because I can't make a promise to you right now doesn't mean you should stop saying how you feel. I'm not really going to know otherwise. If I just run away on you for being honest, that's on me, not you.
Maybe you have things you can improve. I won't disagree. And I can't really imagine how much you must have felt hurt and abandoned. So if it makes you frustrated, I think that feeling makes sense.
I think you're being too hard on yourself. To me, it feels like you're jumping to a lot of conclusions just because you got hurt before. That's not fair to you, or to the people that want to care about you now.
Choosing to care about someone isn't a competition you have to win. It's hard work. And... I think you work hard on other things. So I think you could work hard on this, too.
People who see the good things in you will care about you for you. They'll try to be honest with you. And if you want to change things you think aren't good about yourself, they'll try to support you and help you grow if they can.
But they can only really do that if you let them. Right?
no subject
... )
I really like you.
I trust you.
I prefer being with you.
I feel like I'm going to ruin things in some way because I'm not that good at getting better.
But I think I'm trying. I don't know if it's enough, to try instead of just do. But I think I am.
I'll... try to let you help me, for as long as you're willing. I don't know what that looks like, though. So... just be honest with me too, I guess. About what you need from me, what want from me.
no subject
I want you to remember that the only way you can't get any better at all is if you give up.
I want you to remember that a lot of people love you.
I want you to rest. Actually rest. When you're ready. [He is getting the idea that that isn't happening tonight.] Because while I want to be there to help you fight, I don't want to have to hope from the sidelines that you'll always get lucky.
I want to share a meal with you. And another after that, and then another. Because there's a lot I still want to share with you, no matter what happens.
I want to feel like my words still matter to you. I want you to remember that I never say things that I don't already mean with all my heart.
I really like you. And I trust you. I want to be here for you, and with you. I want to give you someone to talk to. I want to understand.
I just need you to talk to me, and to listen to what I have to say. If we can't do that, we'll never understand each other. And if we don't understand each other, then we'll never be able to help each other.
Okay?
no subject
He really likes him so much. )
Okay.
Thanks for still... being with me, even now. Even when you were Tarvos.
( Despite the things he said, he stayed. He... kept his promise, in the end, even if Macha had feared he would not. )
I'll remember this. All this. I might not do it right, at first, but... I mean it.
I just reached the Gate, so I won't respond to any messages for a bit, but I'll see you soon. Not long from now. ( And he does mean it, give or take time spent on his (lack of) navigational sense. ) I'll cook us a recipe from the game's library when I'm back.
no subject
Okay. You're welcome.
Please be careful.