Yes. Is that contradictory? Knowing how much I want revenge...I still want to see the good in the future, at least. I don't want to give up on people.
[ It's wishy-washy, weak. How long can he carry around his guilt on his shoulders, the need for revenge in his heart, while trying to reach back when he sees other people reaching out for him? ]
I don't think so. It's not wrong to want a life after revenge, or to believe there can be one. In your case, isn't it like getting out a stain from a shirt?
( Sinclair has people around him he likes, and things he feels he wants to do. He wants to believe in good, he wants to see good. If not for Kromer, he could have that. And if he removes Kromer, he can have that.
She's just the one bloody blot on his clean Sunday clothes. )
I can't see meaning in my experience. But maybe it's because I lack desire. Hope is a desire - a desire for better; gestalt, too, is a desire - a desire to see patterns in seemingly unrelated events. It puts me at a dead end.
[Out damned spot? That drove people insane, sooner or later]
Is it really that simple? When I get caught up in those feelings, I feel like I can't think straight at all.
[ Mithrun thinks he's---pure, in some odd way. Sinclair knows, maybe in Mithrun's eyes, he is. He has read up on what Sarabi has done, when he had the chance. Looked into the incident.
But Sinclair can't look back at himself and think so easily. He can't let himself believe it could be so easy. He frightens himself sometimes, when he lets his thoughts go astray.
If he ever said the things he thought aloud
He thinks]
I think you could find meaning, if you wanted to believe in it. Are you afraid too?
( Where Sinclair has too many emotions, Mithrun has too few - when it comes to other people's affairs. Opposite of Sinclair's end of the spectrum, there's something uncanny about Mithrun describing snuffing out a human life, however unworthy, like snuffing out a candle. It was murder, but that was all. )
Do you need to think straight on this matter? It'll be over once she's dead.
What are you afraid of? That these feelings won't pass with her death?
( Sinclair had asked him if he was afraid, but he can't answer without first understanding what Sinclair is afraid of. )
There's a lot I'm afraid of. That these feelings won't disappear. I'll become someone I hate. That I'll hurt people I care about because I'm not strong enough.
I'll be with you then. You won't be alone when you find out.
( Whether Sinclair's as awful as he's scared of or not. Neither could make Mithrun turn away from him - not for any poetic, beautiful reason, but because it's all the same to him.
Sinclair is Sinclair, whether he's kind of cruel. What matters is largely that he doesn't end up a gibbering flesh fetishist like Kromer. Sensible and functional and happy is fine, even if Sinclair comes out of all this with a knife's edge. )
We still have time. If there's anything else you're afraid of, you can talk to me, whenever you want.
( This is a revenge pact. We both get our revenge. We both learn what it means to feel, for the first time in a long time, free. We won't be alone in it.
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[ It's wishy-washy, weak. How long can he carry around his guilt on his shoulders, the need for revenge in his heart, while trying to reach back when he sees other people reaching out for him? ]
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( Sinclair has people around him he likes, and things he feels he wants to do. He wants to believe in good, he wants to see good. If not for Kromer, he could have that. And if he removes Kromer, he can have that.
She's just the one bloody blot on his clean Sunday clothes. )
I can't see meaning in my experience. But maybe it's because I lack desire. Hope is a desire - a desire for better; gestalt, too, is a desire - a desire to see patterns in seemingly unrelated events. It puts me at a dead end.
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Is it really that simple? When I get caught up in those feelings, I feel like I can't think straight at all.
[ Mithrun thinks he's---pure, in some odd way. Sinclair knows, maybe in Mithrun's eyes, he is. He has read up on what Sarabi has done, when he had the chance. Looked into the incident.
But Sinclair can't look back at himself and think so easily. He can't let himself believe it could be so easy. He frightens himself sometimes, when he lets his thoughts go astray.
If he ever said the things he thought aloud
He thinks]
I think you could find meaning, if you wanted to believe in it. Are you afraid too?
[ Sinclair is afraid. Always afraid. ]
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Do you need to think straight on this matter? It'll be over once she's dead.
What are you afraid of? That these feelings won't pass with her death?
( Sinclair had asked him if he was afraid, but he can't answer without first understanding what Sinclair is afraid of. )
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Let yourself be what you are; learn to wield it. If you hide it, you won't know how to control it when it bleeds out.
A sword is a thing that kills. But if you know how, you can learn how to strike with the blunt side of the blade.
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[ When clarity had sunk back in that had been...worrying in a different way.
It's just a game. Except it's not. ]
Is that how you decided on living?
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Choose before it's chosen for you.
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What do you think will make you stronger?
( We're workshopping this, )
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Knowing. I think. What's there.
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And then]
Yes. How far they go. How far I'm willing to go.
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[Winter hadn't taken him seriously, he think. But he had held back]
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( Whether Sinclair's as awful as he's scared of or not. Neither could make Mithrun turn away from him - not for any poetic, beautiful reason, but because it's all the same to him.
Sinclair is Sinclair, whether he's kind of cruel. What matters is largely that he doesn't end up a gibbering flesh fetishist like Kromer. Sensible and functional and happy is fine, even if Sinclair comes out of all this with a knife's edge. )
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that was his biggest fear
But now he can
This isn't something you say 'thank you' for
But he's thankful regardless]
okay
Okay
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( This is a revenge pact. We both get our revenge. We both learn what it means to feel, for the first time in a long time, free. We won't be alone in it.
And we can't have Sinclair backing out. )
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Morgan wont let him feel lost in his anger alone.
Morgan knows he's not innocent, not in the way everyone seems to believe he is.
And he doesn't mind. It's a shared goal.
If Morgan can help him kill that --- and ---- then...
He can help Morgan too. He has a clearer direction now]
Thank you.