( Drunk logic as it sounds, he was genuinely just inviting Barrett physically closer, which made sense because three of them were in a pile and Barrett wasn't. Any distance away would make Barrett seem left out. )
I didn't mind that you joined, though.
( A pause. He'd meant that as a positive remark, but Barrett did just say he didn't really feel great about what was happening, so... he guesses that whole thing must have been a wash, for Barrett. )
I won't do it again, though. You probably shouldn't drink in Fragment, either.
I guess a lot happened really fast. [And it was far from why he's inevitably asked to stop. But his stomach tightens thinking about that.] I should take responsibility.
They love you, though. Hani said you're all together. I don't mind. But I thought all that close space was for the people that loved each other. I didn't want to interrupt.
But I still liked being near you. If I hadn't felt so drunk, I think I would have had a different answer when you got so close.
I'm sorry if I made it a bad place for you and the people that like you. It tastes good. But I don't think I should drink anymore if I make people upset.
It gets him to also pause. The language Tylor and Justy had both used suggested otherwise, along with how heavily they doted on Morgan. Why... didn't they just say no? He congratulated them and they all seemed pleased.
...Well. Two of them did.]
I thought you were.
Maybe I misunderstood.
I think I would have said yes.
But it didn't feel good to ask you when you also looked drunk. Even if I felt okay. I could have gone overboard.
With what you've told me, I was worried you wouldn't be able to say no if you wanted me to stop.
( Mithrun turns over Barrett's message, even though it isn't very long.
He has been since the start aware of the inconvenience his condition poses - since he first regained consciousness in the hospital bed, two years ago, though he did not respond or think, or even have a desire to process. He understood, in the same general sense that you understand you are kept only alive by machines and cathers, that it hurt people to look at him. The only way they could expel that guilt was to feel pity. But he didn't mind.
That was that, though. It's very easy when you don't do much more than exist, kept alive by the will of another. He did not have to mind how he made other people feel.
But he thinks he's coming to understand a little better now what there is beyond that abstract hurt - the shades of concern, and their causes. The way people get frustrated with him drowning, or walking through Areas hurt. A concern he could not speak up for himself. Concern that he simply gave up. He doesn't mind those things; they don't hurt him. But they hurt other people, in a way different than those who pitied him, or felt uncomfortable, when he was in the hospital bed.
You can't hurt someone who doesn't mind being hurt. But hurting him hurts them, in turn. Is it because they care for him?
And is that why Barrett would have said yes? )
I can stop someone if I dislike something.
( Addressing that first, since Barrett's been so concerned about it. He can. That boundary is just really deep inland, and he needs to work out what he likes and dislikes to enforce it. But, he's capable. )
I wouldn't have disliked it, if you said yes. I can say that now, while sober.
But it's better that you didn't agree to anything you were unsure about.
You shouldn't indulge more than you want to, either.
[He doesn't think about it too deeply. Morgan believes he can, and Barrett feels relief in taking that at face value. Morgan says he wouldn't have felt dislike, and Barrett wonders what might have happened if he hadn't lost his nerve.
But he can't agree with it all. He knows he shouldn't. He knows, he knows. His body knows, his mind knows. And yet--]
He feels he's getting a peek into something vulnerable here, and with how it's worded... he can feel his stomach twist. Part of him wants to cut off the conversation - not for lack of desire to hear Mithrun out, but for how close this is drifting to things he doesn't want to discuss as a problem. He could figure it out. He had to. There were only so few things he could do well on his own anyway. Why couldn't this be one of them, and why shouldn't he suck up the responsibility and stay away until he knew he could control it?
It's the familiar line of thought. But he lets it slide, just enough.]
( Writing the message is not hard so much as starting it. It takes him some time. )
I was dealing with heartbreak when I was just graduated. The only person I could trust was a professor from my accelerated course. I confided in him, and he said he'd help me. I trusted him.
Eating is the easiest thing to get someone to do, I think. So he started with that. Richer meals, more courses with time, with alcohol, though I didn't want any. The objective wasn't for me to eat but for me to be hungry. I would eat, and he would ask if that was enough or if that really tasted any good, and if I really didn't want anything else and if I really couldn't do better, and he would have me eat more, until I threw up. Then he would start over. It was the same with alcohol.
After enough time, I was hungry even when I was full, and starving even when I was sick. I couldn't eat very much in public anyway. I could only eat with him around.
I wasn't feeling well with all that, so the rest was easier. He would give me money to spend and question my purchases, ask if I wouldn't look better in the thing I hadn't chosen. He knew I felt inferior, and that I was always anxious about people looking down on me. I would come back with the thing he said to get and said it just didn't work with me anyway, but maybe it would look good on someone else. And then he began to get me wondering if the company I had was good enough, if I couldn't be with people who were different, people who were better...
It continued like that, across as many things he could convince me of. I was always wanting things. I couldn't stop. What I had wasn't ever enough. It made me dependent on him, and pliable. I think that was his goal, ultimately - though, maybe he found some joy in watching my descent, too.
Even if my accident hadn't happened, somehow, I would've burned out.
And I wasn't really a nice person, even before I trusted in him. I never made real friends. I wanted someone to save me from my heartbreak and, when I looked around me, he was the only one there. Maybe I deserved it.
He said that if I was good enough, I could take control of myself. But, if I accepted I wasn't enough, I could reach out to someone and let them hoist me from this pit, and he wouldn't stop me. But even if there had been someone there, I was afraid to of what it meant to accept that.
He had to read, and reread, and even then most of it sounds so cruel as to be almost fanciful. To think someone out there would pick another person apart like this, that Morgan was in such a spot that he didn't fight it and thinks he deserved it...
The situations are incredibly different. But there are ripples in those moments where his stream of storytelling hits those curves in the flow that resonate with Barrett more than he wants.
How does he respond to this? Where does he start?]
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no subject
Tylor said something about the three of you living your best lives together. Something like that.
I wondered if you thought the same. If you felt okay.
I couldn't really tell.
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I don't know.
They like me, more than I expected. I don't mind spending time with them.
If they feel that way, I don't have desire to tell them otherwise.
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I think it's important to tell them what you want, too, Morgan. Or what you don't want.
They're nice people. I think they'll understand.
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I don't mind if they want to kiss me or give me drinks because they like it, if that's what you're wondering. It's fine.
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You wanted to apologize to me, though. Didn't you?
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????? he doesn't understand it himself, )
I don't know. I just decided to do it.
You were shaking.
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I'd never done anything like that before. It got me nervous. I couldn't think well.
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I thought you felt left out, so I invited you. But I understood wrong.
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Felt left out of what? The kissing?
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( Drunk logic as it sounds, he was genuinely just inviting Barrett physically closer, which made sense because three of them were in a pile and Barrett wasn't. Any distance away would make Barrett seem left out. )
I didn't mind that you joined, though.
( A pause. He'd meant that as a positive remark, but Barrett did just say he didn't really feel great about what was happening, so... he guesses that whole thing must have been a wash, for Barrett. )
I won't do it again, though. You probably shouldn't drink in Fragment, either.
no subject
I guess a lot happened really fast. [And it was far from why he's inevitably asked to stop. But his stomach tightens thinking about that.] I should take responsibility.
They love you, though. Hani said you're all together. I don't mind. But I thought all that close space was for the people that loved each other. I didn't want to interrupt.
But I still liked being near you. If I hadn't felt so drunk, I think I would have had a different answer when you got so close.
I'm sorry if I made it a bad place for you and the people that like you. It tastes good. But I don't think I should drink anymore if I make people upset.
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We're not dating, if that's what you mean. Not any of us, as far as I know. But we don't dislike spending time with each other.
You didn't make it a bad place. I wasn't upset. I don't think they were upset, either.
I thought it was better that you were closer than not.
What would you have said, if you weren't drunk?
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It gets him to also pause. The language Tylor and Justy had both used suggested otherwise, along with how heavily they doted on Morgan. Why... didn't they just say no? He congratulated them and they all seemed pleased.
...Well. Two of them did.]
I thought you were.
Maybe I misunderstood.
I think I would have said yes.
But it didn't feel good to ask you when you also looked drunk. Even if I felt okay. I could have gone overboard.
With what you've told me, I was worried you wouldn't be able to say no if you wanted me to stop.
no subject
He has been since the start aware of the inconvenience his condition poses - since he first regained consciousness in the hospital bed, two years ago, though he did not respond or think, or even have a desire to process. He understood, in the same general sense that you understand you are kept only alive by machines and cathers, that it hurt people to look at him. The only way they could expel that guilt was to feel pity. But he didn't mind.
That was that, though. It's very easy when you don't do much more than exist, kept alive by the will of another. He did not have to mind how he made other people feel.
But he thinks he's coming to understand a little better now what there is beyond that abstract hurt - the shades of concern, and their causes. The way people get frustrated with him drowning, or walking through Areas hurt. A concern he could not speak up for himself. Concern that he simply gave up. He doesn't mind those things; they don't hurt him. But they hurt other people, in a way different than those who pitied him, or felt uncomfortable, when he was in the hospital bed.
You can't hurt someone who doesn't mind being hurt. But hurting him hurts them, in turn. Is it because they care for him?
And is that why Barrett would have said yes? )
I can stop someone if I dislike something.
( Addressing that first, since Barrett's been so concerned about it. He can. That boundary is just really deep inland, and he needs to work out what he likes and dislikes to enforce it. But, he's capable. )
I wouldn't have disliked it, if you said yes. I can say that now, while sober.
But it's better that you didn't agree to anything you were unsure about.
You shouldn't indulge more than you want to, either.
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But he can't agree with it all. He knows he shouldn't. He knows, he knows. His body knows, his mind knows. And yet--]
I don't know if that's possible.
But I'm really glad you're okay.
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Then I'll stop you if you can't.
1/2
/2
Damn it. Normally he was better than this.
...]
Sorry.
I mean it when I say I don't want you to get hurt, okay?
I don't want anyone to have to think about things like that.
no subject
I don't know what it looks like for you, but... I know a face of overindulgence.
Me, at least... I think I wished someone was stubborn enough to help me, then.
No one was, though. I'd pushed them all away.
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He feels he's getting a peek into something vulnerable here, and with how it's worded... he can feel his stomach twist. Part of him wants to cut off the conversation - not for lack of desire to hear Mithrun out, but for how close this is drifting to things he doesn't want to discuss as a problem. He could figure it out. He had to. There were only so few things he could do well on his own anyway. Why couldn't this be one of them, and why shouldn't he suck up the responsibility and stay away until he knew he could control it?
It's the familiar line of thought. But he lets it slide, just enough.]
Right. Good friends are there regardless.
I'm guessing you mean before the hospital.
What happened?
cw: emeto mention
I was dealing with heartbreak when I was just graduated. The only person I could trust was a professor from my accelerated course. I confided in him, and he said he'd help me. I trusted him.
Eating is the easiest thing to get someone to do, I think. So he started with that. Richer meals, more courses with time, with alcohol, though I didn't want any. The objective wasn't for me to eat but for me to be hungry. I would eat, and he would ask if that was enough or if that really tasted any good, and if I really didn't want anything else and if I really couldn't do better, and he would have me eat more, until I threw up. Then he would start over. It was the same with alcohol.
After enough time, I was hungry even when I was full, and starving even when I was sick. I couldn't eat very much in public anyway. I could only eat with him around.
I wasn't feeling well with all that, so the rest was easier. He would give me money to spend and question my purchases, ask if I wouldn't look better in the thing I hadn't chosen. He knew I felt inferior, and that I was always anxious about people looking down on me. I would come back with the thing he said to get and said it just didn't work with me anyway, but maybe it would look good on someone else. And then he began to get me wondering if the company I had was good enough, if I couldn't be with people who were different, people who were better...
It continued like that, across as many things he could convince me of. I was always wanting things. I couldn't stop. What I had wasn't ever enough. It made me dependent on him, and pliable. I think that was his goal, ultimately - though, maybe he found some joy in watching my descent, too.
Even if my accident hadn't happened, somehow, I would've burned out.
And I wasn't really a nice person, even before I trusted in him. I never made real friends. I wanted someone to save me from my heartbreak and, when I looked around me, he was the only one there. Maybe I deserved it.
He said that if I was good enough, I could take control of myself. But, if I accepted I wasn't enough, I could reach out to someone and let them hoist me from this pit, and he wouldn't stop me. But even if there had been someone there, I was afraid to of what it meant to accept that.
Our situations probably aren't similar.
But I'm here, if you want to look around.
1/2
A lot.
He had to read, and reread, and even then most of it sounds so cruel as to be almost fanciful. To think someone out there would pick another person apart like this, that Morgan was in such a spot that he didn't fight it and thinks he deserved it...
The situations are incredibly different. But there are ripples in those moments where his stream of storytelling hits those curves in the flow that resonate with Barrett more than he wants.
How does he respond to this? Where does he start?]
/2
Are you by the guilds right now?
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