I don't think that necessarily makes you a bad person, given the context. However, I can see why you would feel that way. The battlefield seems traumatizing. I can't claim to understand the horrors that come with taking someone's life, yet alone many.
Even so, there must have been something very instinctual about taking down a thief that stole an innocent young lady's purse – and you returned it to me, too. Would a heartless, murdering machine be capable of doing something like that? Perhaps, but I'm inclined to believe otherwise.
It would've been easier to just let him go, but you didn't take the easy way out.
That's why I don't think you're a lost cause, even if you cannot be saved from yourself.
...Yes. I don't think I'm wrong in how I see myself.
I've used people a lot, Yael. Sometimes it was mutual, sometimes it wasn't, sometimes they didn't even know. After a certain point in my life, I became numb to viewing people as expendable, all in favor of protecting myself for the reasons I told you earlier. I shut out things like remorse because if I felt guilty for all the things I've done, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
...Well, that's not entirely true. I don't like who I am. Maybe that's a sign that the last statement is a lie.
I'm not sure what compelled me to say all of this.
I guess you're just the first person who wanted to hear it.
You said it because you needed to get it out of your system. Nothing wrong with that.
And the fact that you said it proves you're not happy with the person you were. A truly bad person doesn't give a damn. They don't need to cut themselves off from their emotions. Some of them don't feel them to begin with.
That isn't you. Maybe you got caught up in some bad habits, but that doesn't make you bad.
A couple more months. I graduated from crutches to a cane not too long ago.
A break from the real world is nice, but don't get addicted. You can say "that would never happen to me," but you've seen all those cases on the news, right? Lots of regular people getting completely sucked into these games.
Maybe they don't want their trade secrets exposed? The game's pretty early into development, after all. They don't want to give the competition an edge.
Or something shady's going on. Conspiracy theory level shit. Take your pick.
Who knows? Maybe, maybe not. Depends on how quick my leg heals.
[...But even Yael knows that's no longer a valid excuse. Before Kara calls him out, he'll be honest for once.]
I worry about some of the people playing this game. Some of them would walk straight off a cliff if you told them to and still wouldn't learn their lesson.
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I've been in the military for a long time and fighting for even longer. I've contributed my fair share of bodies.
That makes me a murderer, doesn't it? A bad person.
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Even so, there must have been something very instinctual about taking down a thief that stole an innocent young lady's purse – and you returned it to me, too. Would a heartless, murdering machine be capable of doing something like that? Perhaps, but I'm inclined to believe otherwise.
It would've been easier to just let him go, but you didn't take the easy way out.
That's why I don't think you're a lost cause, even if you cannot be saved from yourself.
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I'm starting to get the impression that you've been viewing yourself through the wrong lens all your life. Is that too far of a stretch?
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I've used people a lot, Yael. Sometimes it was mutual, sometimes it wasn't, sometimes they didn't even know. After a certain point in my life, I became numb to viewing people as expendable, all in favor of protecting myself for the reasons I told you earlier. I shut out things like remorse because if I felt guilty for all the things I've done, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
...Well, that's not entirely true. I don't like who I am. Maybe that's a sign that the last statement is a lie.
I'm not sure what compelled me to say all of this.
I guess you're just the first person who wanted to hear it.
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And the fact that you said it proves you're not happy with the person you were. A truly bad person doesn't give a damn. They don't need to cut themselves off from their emotions. Some of them don't feel them to begin with.
That isn't you. Maybe you got caught up in some bad habits, but that doesn't make you bad.
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...Thanks. I appreciate it.
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Believe it or not, I've been worse than I am now. If I can survive in this world, so can you.
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I just wouldn't really call what I'm doing now, "living". I think you know what I mean.
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So what's the plan? You'd like to live, wouldn't you? And before you answer, don't give me any crap about not deserving a good, happy life.
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In all seriousness though, I don't know. I've been living this way for so long, that I'm not sure what it'll take to get me to change my ways.
What about you? What's your plan?
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[Noted. No man is an island, after all.]
As for me, I don't know. I've been in a rut ever since I broke my leg. All I know is the military life, but I've been thinking about leaving.
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I can't claim to know what the best choice is, but...has the MMO done anything for you? It must be a change of pace. Isn't it nice, in some way?
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What about you? Gotten anything worthwhile out of the experience?
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It's been fun. A good escape from IRL. I think that's more than enough, for now. :)
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A break from the real world is nice, but don't get addicted. You can say "that would never happen to me," but you've seen all those cases on the news, right? Lots of regular people getting completely sucked into these games.
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And...yeah. I know. I've been seeing them pop up lately. It's scary. It's cool how immersive this is, but I can see how it'd be easy to get addicted.
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But that's what I've been saying all along. Did you read that NDA we had to sign? All of it?
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Or something shady's going on. Conspiracy theory level shit. Take your pick.
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Do you think you'll continue participating in the beta? Do you think you'll stay for its entire duration?
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[...But even Yael knows that's no longer a valid excuse. Before Kara calls him out, he'll be honest for once.]
I worry about some of the people playing this game. Some of them would walk straight off a cliff if you told them to and still wouldn't learn their lesson.
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Hector
Fandaniel
Owen
Brambles
Sinclair
Hani
FTR, I think Hani absolutely knows what they're doing LOL I just think they're funny
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Justy: Alcoholic. Pretends to be stupid because that's less trouble for him than acting like an adult.
Hector: Next question.
Fandaniel: Fuck that guy. Fuck that shitty bowl cut.
Owen: He's fine. One of those lonely weirdos who acts out online because they have no outlet IRL.
Brambles: Good kid. Smarter than he looks.
Sinclair: The kind of kid I'd give an atomic wedgie for fun in middle school. I hope he starts fighting back one of these days.
Hani: Weird vibes. Do you know them personally? If so, that's unfortunate.
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