...I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize how alike you and Ganymede are. So I suppose I know better than to try escaping a promise. "While I remember, I will return." I can offer that much.
Since coming here, I've realized — rather, I've started to believe. All of us carry a small piece of that understanding. I thought I could make sense of it on my own. But you showed me things as well.
[ Another pause, weighted. ]
Will you still love me if I forget what it means to be warm?
[ oh. it hurts, but they're so happy. they would not trade his words for anything. ]
Michel. I will never stop loving you. That will always remain a truth you can seek, and one that I can prove. Just ask. Again and again if you need to.
You mind may forget, but your heart knows. And if your heart has trouble, I'll teach you what you taught me. Wouldn't that be nice? Ganymede, too. So even if you forget, you must return.
No... You don't need to prove love. You can't. Some things simply have to be taken on faith. But I may still have to ask.
[ Again and again. Choosing to put his trust in something he can't see... it's getting harder and harder. ]
I don't know. I'm not certain how we can prove anything, when pieces of ourselves are disappearing. I don't remember how I met Ganymede. If I'm not the same person without those memories... that's only natural.
[ It's like changing the wiring on a board and expecting the output to remain constant. Of course it wouldn't. The ship of Theseus paradox, digitized. ]
Is it wrong to change? Do you have to stay the same?
[ change would happen with or without these memories, as quickly as the passing of a season or as slowly as the orbit of a comet seen every three-quarters of a century. ]
I don’t know if I can do that. I’ve changed so much. Do you love me differently? Do you think Ganymede would love you differently?
[ That, he sends out quickly, before he can hesitate long enough to trip over the words again. The rest takes longer. ]
I wanted to change. But there are pieces of myself I can't give up. If I had been willing to do that... there would have been a place for me in the world outside already. I don't regret throwing that away. I don't want an existence that isn't mine imposed over me. I see no difference between that, and never existing at all.
[ if they could reach through this screen and take his hand. they would be soothed by the existence of him. they could be an ocean and he could be a cloud rolling by and still, he’d try to shade all of them, concerned with covering every inch. ]
I like all the pieces of you. They will always have a place within me and within Ganymede. If you lose any, we’ll put you back together again. If you lose any, know that we could be searching through a mountain of souls and we’d recognize yours every single time.
If you go to Lily, if Lily takes you, I will show you these words you said. I’ll trust you to consider them seriously even if you aren’t in your right mind.
Will you tell me your name? Here, where it can’t be erased. Here, willingly, what you remember.
[ Would they? Could he ask that of any of them? Recognizing him even if eventually he no longer recognizes himself?
At least let him leave a trace. All he's ever done is try to leave behind traces, a monster raking its claws over the stones of the earth so at least some future explorer could see the gouges and realize that something once existed there. ]
Michel Bollinger. Cursed youngest son of the Bollinger family. Abnormal, inhuman, mad. That is who I am, and the only person I have ever been.
[ Even though all the doubts to the contrary dig their roots deep, deep deep. ]
...It's impossible for me to promise that I can hold anything for you in return. But I want to try. Anything you would entrust me with. I think... things that are painful aren't fading as quickly.
Thank you. I love you, Michel Bollinger. This will remain a truth between us.
[ the rest of their message is delayed for a time. then: ]
This is one. One memory I still have, though parts of it have faded. I’m not sure if it’s because of Lily or myself. I’m not sure if it’s painful, yet… echoing your words from earlier, it is a piece of me I cannot give up. It is a secret, perhaps too cruel of me to share. It is heavy, I think. Will you listen?
[ a locked box they’ve never known what to do with. sometimes flashes of its content come to mind for no reason at all. with these messages, with this patchwork person, could they let go at last? ]
If all I can do for you is listen, then yes. I will hold it as gently as I can.
[ He doesn't fear its weight. But secrets are becoming too risky, anymore. Things kept buried vanish under the cover of snow, until no one will ever know they were there.
And on some level, he needs this. Perhaps... just to know he can help Hani, the way Hani has helped him. ]
[ it starts out whimsical as though they can’t help it: ]
As you know, Ganymede’s side of the family is very beautiful, and I am related to him through my mother. It is a fact that we are both extremely beautiful.
So when a Tachibana child was born with white-blond hair and blue eyes, it caused quite a stir. Our family dates back further than the United States I am told; we are very traditional and equally superstitious.
I say “we”… But I suppose I mean “them.”
As Tachibana Hayanari, I was worshipped as a special existence. A child touched by beauty and luck. Surely, they said, I had been chosen by the gods. My hair was kept only a little shorter than it is on my avatar and there were… so many white kimonos. So many. To keep me pure; to make sure everyone knew what I was when they saw me.
One day, there was a man. I don’t… remember what he looks like. But I do remember realizing in a curious way that he wanted me. He was always following me with his gaze. One day, he followed me to my room. He asked if he could touch me, and I said yes. I wonder why… I don’t remember what I was thinking. I remember the futon under me. My white kimono. My tabi socks. I remember the blue mountain sky out of the corner of my eye through the open sliding doors. It was very beautiful, the colors. I wanted to leave to see more of it. And I did, soon after.
That is my family’s secret. You don’t need to say anything about this. I may forget soon anyway.
[ Hani might not have been certain, but he is — it's painful. It hurts. Deeply, fiercely. But he can feel that pain etching the memory into his bones, in a place where the shifting tides here can't carry it away again.
Good. Good. He wants to be able to hold onto at least a small piece of them. ]
I'll keep it for you, even if you forget. It isn't too heavy for me.
I won't say anything about this until I need to. But I will say... I am neither an angel nor a demon, no matter what others want from me. And you are not chosen by the gods. You're only... yourself. That's more than enough of a special existence.
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no subject
Since coming here, I've realized — rather, I've started to believe. All of us carry a small piece of that understanding. I thought I could make sense of it on my own. But you showed me things as well.
[ Another pause, weighted. ]
Will you still love me if I forget what it means to be warm?
no subject
Michel. I will never stop loving you. That will always remain a truth you can seek, and one that I can prove. Just ask. Again and again if you need to.
You mind may forget, but your heart knows. And if your heart has trouble, I'll teach you what you taught me. Wouldn't that be nice? Ganymede, too. So even if you forget, you must return.
... Are you drifting toward him?
no subject
[ Again and again. Choosing to put his trust in something he can't see... it's getting harder and harder. ]
I don't know. I'm not certain how we can prove anything, when pieces of ourselves are disappearing. I don't remember how I met Ganymede. If I'm not the same person without those memories... that's only natural.
[ It's like changing the wiring on a board and expecting the output to remain constant. Of course it wouldn't. The ship of Theseus paradox, digitized. ]
no subject
[ change would happen with or without these memories, as quickly as the passing of a season or as slowly as the orbit of a comet seen every three-quarters of a century. ]
I don’t know if I can do that. I’ve changed so much. Do you love me differently? Do you think Ganymede would love you differently?
no subject
[ That, he sends out quickly, before he can hesitate long enough to trip over the words again. The rest takes longer. ]
I wanted to change. But there are pieces of myself I can't give up. If I had been willing to do that... there would have been a place for me in the world outside already. I don't regret throwing that away. I don't want an existence that isn't mine imposed over me. I see no difference between that, and never existing at all.
no subject
[ if they could reach through this screen and take his hand. they would be soothed by the existence of him. they could be an ocean and he could be a cloud rolling by and still, he’d try to shade all of them, concerned with covering every inch. ]
I like all the pieces of you. They will always have a place within me and within Ganymede. If you lose any, we’ll put you back together again. If you lose any, know that we could be searching through a mountain of souls and we’d recognize yours every single time.
If you go to Lily, if Lily takes you, I will show you these words you said. I’ll trust you to consider them seriously even if you aren’t in your right mind.
Will you tell me your name? Here, where it can’t be erased. Here, willingly, what you remember.
no subject
At least let him leave a trace. All he's ever done is try to leave behind traces, a monster raking its claws over the stones of the earth so at least some future explorer could see the gouges and realize that something once existed there. ]
Michel Bollinger. Cursed youngest son of the Bollinger family. Abnormal, inhuman, mad. That is who I am, and the only person I have ever been.
[ Even though all the doubts to the contrary dig their roots deep, deep deep. ]
...It's impossible for me to promise that I can hold anything for you in return. But I want to try. Anything you would entrust me with. I think... things that are painful aren't fading as quickly.
no subject
[ the rest of their message is delayed for a time. then: ]
This is one. One memory I still have, though parts of it have faded. I’m not sure if it’s because of Lily or myself. I’m not sure if it’s painful, yet… echoing your words from earlier, it is a piece of me I cannot give up. It is a secret, perhaps too cruel of me to share. It is heavy, I think. Will you listen?
[ a locked box they’ve never known what to do with. sometimes flashes of its content come to mind for no reason at all. with these messages, with this patchwork person, could they let go at last? ]
no subject
[ He doesn't fear its weight. But secrets are becoming too risky, anymore. Things kept buried vanish under the cover of snow, until no one will ever know they were there.
And on some level, he needs this. Perhaps... just to know he can help Hani, the way Hani has helped him. ]
cw: CSA, dub-con
As you know, Ganymede’s side of the family is very beautiful, and I am related to him through my mother. It is a fact that we are both extremely beautiful.
So when a Tachibana child was born with white-blond hair and blue eyes, it caused quite a stir. Our family dates back further than the United States I am told; we are very traditional and equally superstitious.
I say “we”… But I suppose I mean “them.”
As Tachibana Hayanari, I was worshipped as a special existence. A child touched by beauty and luck. Surely, they said, I had been chosen by the gods. My hair was kept only a little shorter than it is on my avatar and there were… so many white kimonos. So many. To keep me pure; to make sure everyone knew what I was when they saw me.
One day, there was a man.
I don’t… remember what he looks like. But I do remember realizing in a curious way that he wanted me. He was always following me with his gaze. One day, he followed me to my room. He asked if he could touch me, and I said yes. I wonder why… I don’t remember what I was thinking.I remember the futon under me. My white kimono. My tabi socks. I remember the blue mountain sky out of the corner of my eye through the open sliding doors. It was very beautiful, the colors. I wanted to leave to see more of it. And I did, soon after.
That is my family’s secret. You don’t need to say anything about this. I may forget soon anyway.
no subject
Good. Good. He wants to be able to hold onto at least a small piece of them. ]
I'll keep it for you, even if you forget. It isn't too heavy for me.
I won't say anything about this until I need to. But I will say... I am neither an angel nor a demon, no matter what others want from me. And you are not chosen by the gods. You're only... yourself. That's more than enough of a special existence.