[ It probably wouldn't, but that she says she'll let him know anyway puts him at ease, if only somewhat. But at this point, he'll take all the small bits of comfort he can get. ]
[She should keep these thoughts to herself; she's done it this long with everyone else. It gets easier and easier to hide things from others, even when hoping to be noticed. She'd lie to him, too, but he's also the only one she'd trust with the truth.]
At first, I was kind of relieved. When he was defeated, Macha said he didn't want to die. It felt fair...for someone like me who's wanted to die to be hit by that attack.
Then I also thought...what a waste. That there might still be some meaning to my life, or something I could still do.
For what it's worth, I think yours has plenty of meaning. You'll find something you can do with it.
[ Though that isn't just empty words. ]
I can't place the feeling anymore, but I remember a time where I was glad that I survived. I think I went through similar feelings to you, honestly.
[ It's a feeling that feels so close to his heart, yet when he tries to reach for it and place it in his memories it slips through his fingers. Still, he's glad he knows enough to tell her this much. ]
Yeah. At the very least, I want to know the end of this. I don't want to die without knowing what else is possible out of life. Without knowing the people I'm going to protect are safe.
[She's able to say some of these things because of the Miharu she's forgotten: the one who was alone and who could have therefore only thought about the things that she, alone, went through. But when she thinks about what he's told her, she wonders if it stems from the things he experienced that he once entrusted to her. She knows those memories now better than she knows her own history, for better or for worse.]
You left some of your memories with me before. I think I understand how you might have come to that same conclusion. [If he wants to hear them. If he wants to know right now.]
[ It's comforting to see those words attached to her username, though he... can't fully place why. Perhaps an impression he had of her or a kinship that they had once had between them that feels lost to time. ]
Did I?
[ He wishes he could remember doing something like that, but he's glad that he did. Hm. Now that he thinks of it— ]
I know I wrote some things down about you too. What do you say we exchange?
I know we've talked a lot, so it makes sense. It feels a little rude to have lost track of some of those conversations... but I still know they were important.
Let's swap notes. Although, is it the same for you? Hearing these things, even from people I trust not to lie to me... they feel less and less like they could possibly be real.
Yeah... Honestly, sometimes it feels like I'm being tricked. It's difficult to imagine myself with a life outside of this one. But knowing that something like that has to exist... it's encouraging.
I'm worried if we do it over email it'll just slip away again. Even if having a permanent written record is prudent, if it keeps slipping from memory all that good will be erased. Maybe we should talk?
I agree. Let's go somewhere quiet, and we can introduce ourselves all over again.
[She hesitates for just a moment, wondering if all the information she was given to safeguard should really be disclosed. It's not hers to control, though - she'll tell him everything, even if she sometimes keeps it brief.]
Thank you for checking in on me, Yuui. [And for not forgetting these things about her...maybe even for being the only person who really knows them.]
[ He smiles at the message, feeling a warmth bubble up in his chest. Having someone to check in on like this... it's nice, even if the circumstances themselves aren't as such.
He had always wondered what it would be like to have a little sister, and this feeling? He thinks this is close. ]
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Inbox
Important
Draft
Sent
Trash
Compose
no subject
But I will.
[As for how she feels, she sits there with the message spinning unsent for quite some times.]
I'm a little tired, honestly. I feel like there's not very much of me, but I don't really know if I can put that on being drained.
no subject
Perhaps not.
[ After all, what's going on is exhausting. ]
I think I understand it, at least.
no subject
I think it might be something like my "sense of self"... something about being attacked like that is making me think about who I am.
I really thought I was going to die.
cw suicidal ideation mention
[ Did she feel at peace, or did she realize she didn't want to go? ]
cw suicidal ideation
At first, I was kind of relieved. When he was defeated, Macha said he didn't want to die. It felt fair...for someone like me who's wanted to die to be hit by that attack.
Then I also thought...what a waste. That there might still be some meaning to my life, or something I could still do.
cw suicide mention
[ Though that isn't just empty words. ]
I can't place the feeling anymore, but I remember a time where I was glad that I survived. I think I went through similar feelings to you, honestly.
[ It's a feeling that feels so close to his heart, yet when he tries to reach for it and place it in his memories it slips through his fingers. Still, he's glad he knows enough to tell her this much. ]
no subject
[She's able to say some of these things because of the Miharu she's forgotten: the one who was alone and who could have therefore only thought about the things that she, alone, went through. But when she thinks about what he's told her, she wonders if it stems from the things he experienced that he once entrusted to her. She knows those memories now better than she knows her own history, for better or for worse.]
You left some of your memories with me before. I think I understand how you might have come to that same conclusion. [If he wants to hear them. If he wants to know right now.]
no subject
Did I?
[ He wishes he could remember doing something like that, but he's glad that he did. Hm. Now that he thinks of it— ]
I know I wrote some things down about you too. What do you say we exchange?
no subject
Let's swap notes. Although, is it the same for you? Hearing these things, even from people I trust not to lie to me... they feel less and less like they could possibly be real.
no subject
[ He begins to type up what she told him, getting halfway through before deleting all of it. ]
Would you rather learn this over email or in person?
no subject
I'm worried if we do it over email it'll just slip away again. Even if having a permanent written record is prudent, if it keeps slipping from memory all that good will be erased. Maybe we should talk?
no subject
I wouldn't mind talking. I think it'd be easier to process all of it in person anyway.
[ What he knows about her isn't exactly easy to take in, after all, even if he doesn't know all the little details. ]
no subject
[She hesitates for just a moment, wondering if all the information she was given to safeguard should really be disclosed. It's not hers to control, though - she'll tell him everything, even if she sometimes keeps it brief.]
Thank you for checking in on me, Yuui. [And for not forgetting these things about her...maybe even for being the only person who really knows them.]
no subject
He had always wondered what it would be like to have a little sister, and this feeling? He thinks this is close. ]
Anytime, Miharu.