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[ophidie]

Ugh. [What an exceptionally stupid thing to type, but she said it out loud, and nothing else quite captures the full scope of her feelings.]

I don't really think an effect like that needs to be in the game. I can only imagine what it's like for someone who isn't used to it.

[There's no point in mincing words. He certainly heard enough from her.]

[fluorite]

[ That little "ugh" makes him laugh. So juvenile, but he gets it. ]

Let's hope everyone avoids those keywords. Maybe you should make a post about it on the network.

[ But then she'd have to admit to that feeling, so he knows that's unlikely. ]

You were lucky, choosing to reach out to me. I understand those feelings all too well.

[ Normally he'd never say something like that, but keeping it through text makes it so much easier to vocalize... and their previous conversation essentially confirmed as much anyway. ]

[ophidie]

[Yeah, no way is that something she'll admit to experiencing in public. Besides, now that it's been a couple of days... She already knows exactly what some individuals do with warnings posted on the forums.]

Think I'll pass. I know how interested people get when they're warned about doing something. When Akatsuki posted about the keyword that blows your armor off, it was a free-for-all.

Thanks for hearing me out. I guess I did get lucky, for once. It's easy to forget, but I don't think it's really uncommon for people in our generation. [He's a few years older than she is, but young adulthood doesn't exactly get easier.]

[fluorite]

You make a good point. Then in that case, let's not spread misery.

You're right. I wonder if it might be an even more common occurrence in the people drawn to games like this.

[ Y'know, escaping reality and all that. ]

[ophidie]

I think so... at least those who make it part of their lives. I'm not saying I'm particularly lonely, but I think that's part of why it doesn't always work: You're lonely no matter where you go.

Have you ever done anything about it? [That's an intentionally open-ended question, with no small number of ways he could approach it. That's why she's put it out there like this.]

[fluorite]

I've dated before. Does that count?

Although, that ended up leaving me feeling even more lonely after the fact.

[ophidie]

[Oh, well, that is in fact one of the few subject rabbit holes she hadn't thought this would be going down.]

That wasn't what I was expected, but sure it does.

I understand why it felt that way. I don't like hearing "goodbye." Being rejected would be hard, but it would be harder to have something that ended.

[fluorite]

It hurts when a relationship ends, but you always go into it knowing that it might. It's always a test to see if you might be able to weather all the hard times to come.

[ophidie]

That's a nice philosophy, and we're truly always replacing one experience with another new one. Moving on is inevitable even for people who hate it like me.

Has it really been that easy for you to follow it yourself, though? [The advice is appreciated, and she doesn't mean it meanly - but Miharu has to call it as she sees it. She detects a hint of "do as I say, not as I do" from him now that she's not completely embedded in her own miserable world.]

[fluorite]

[ ...Is he really that transparent? So many have been calling him out that he's starting to feel like he just might be. ]

Not at all. I think it gets harder every time.

[ophidie]

[bitch at least commend her for being perceptive before your self-loathing kicks in]

I bet it doesn't. But that doesn't mean there's anything inherently wrong with your philosophy... It's just hard to live by if you've already written the ending.

Not that I'm one to talk. Even if I developed those feelings for someone, I'd probably expect to be rejected by them.

[We will play artful neutral pronouns games in this house.]

[fluorite]

[ IMPOSSIBLE

Unfortunately for Miharu, Fai zones in on those neutral pronouns. It's like a gay calling card to him, but he says nothing about it and simply files that information away. ]

Why would you expect that?

[ophidie]

[She definitely doesn't know she might get betrayed by her own craftiness, especially since she's used to successfully protecting herself from any personal scrutiny.]

Well, it's statistically pretty unlikely for them to feel the same way, isn't it?

[fluorite]

[ Unfortunately in matters of heart and homo, Fai is good at detecting these things. He sighs as he writes his response, already feeling the distance he’s tried to keep from others in this game dissipating as he does so.

Her words all but confirm his hunch. ]

There are plenty of gay women around if you look in the right places.

[ophidie]

Sorry, what?

With so many people in the world, the chances that two feel the same is low even without prejudice.

[fluorite]

There's always a good chance there will be some interest.

But if I made the wrong assumption, you can tell me.

[ophidie]

... You've really turned this around on me.

It's not like I've given my heart to anyone, so I can't say for sure until then, but I'm not ashamed of it.

[fluorite]

You're right, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

And you can know before giving your heart to someone. I knew before I ever dated any guys.

[ophidie]

Oh. [She gets it now.] I thought this was another attempt to parent me.

[Not that he isn't still doing that, but it's a little different with him sharing a part of himself. Miharu still isn't one for opening up regardless, but some conditions lead to clearer air than others. At the very least, she definitely doesn't feel as tense now.]

I'm guessing that's one of the reasons you knew what you were talking about when it comes to wanting to be enough?

[fluorite]

[ She’s right, but it definitely makes him wonder… Hm. ]

In a sense, yes.

Do you feel like you’re not enough because of who you like?

[ophidie]

No, it's not like that. I can't say it's always been easy, but I could never feel that kind of hesitation over liking someone.

[If anything, it's because of who she is, but it's easier to leave that unsaid when she isn't cursed by a dungeon effect, no longer feeling like a cup that's been poured too full.]

[fluorite]

I'm a little relieved to hear that, actually. At least you don't have that one obstacle getting you down.

[ But he's got an inkling she has other things, thanks to their conversation the other day. ]

[ophidie]

I just think that anyone I love will certainly be amazing. It has nothing to do with how I feel about myself. [He's totally right; this has very little to do with her own self-esteem.]

It should go without saying that I'm a private person normally, though. I'm hoping you'll respect that since you're one as well.

[She might have accidentally tripped into a closeness with him that would otherwise take months or years to accomplish, but that doesn't mean she'll make a habit of it - with him or with others. Still, this isn't really a shift that can be walked back, either.]

[fluorite]

[ Well, he thinks she's right about that. He has faith that she'll pick someone good. ]

Of course.

[ He has no trouble respecting that particular boundary, especially when it benefits him too. But... ]

I've pried a little bit, so you're free to pry right back. It's only fair, isn't it?

[ophidie]

Right, it's only fair. I won't turn down something for free.

You said these games aren't your style, but you're still playing. [While at first that seems like it might be her question, the rest of her message just lets that thread lie there like bait when she shifts to something different.] What id it that you normally do?