He thinks back to the onsen. To Morgan's desperate insistence that Barrett never have close feelings for another, even if Barrett had to tell him it wasn't a promise he could make. He remembers the three of them touching and kissing and breathing of one another in synchronization. He'd seen them all have moments of discomfort but all still return to each other.
Had something gone wrong when he wasn't looking? Hadn't they all been comfortable?
He doesn't know. He never really knew, for Morgan. He wonders if Morgan ever knew for himself... or if it was the onsen all over again. Something scared and reactive.]
im just me hani. its okay
im sorry if im missing something. i really am.
but all we ever were was friends.
im sorry. i didnt know something had changed for you.
He wishes he could believe it. At least he was strong. At least his family could, should, might trust him. At least he had football for now, a glimpse at a future that could help.
Wonderful was around the corner. It wasn't him yet.]
im glad
i hope he knew that he was loved. i hope he knew he didnt need to be alone.
[ oh… no… hani closes their eyes. thinking. but it’s hard, they’re so emotionally worn. it was easier before when they were just talking about about plans, not people.
people are hard. ]
I will also try to say it better. Next time.
When things are easier.
I’m not saying it right.
You’re not ignoring my feelings. I hope I’m not ignoring yours.
[It's part of the problem. That Hani keeps insisting, skirting over things Barrett doesn't want to address when everything feels so raw.
But he doesn't want to think about it. And he certainly doesn't want to blame Hani for just trying to be empathetic when they've admitted it's hard for them.]
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That’s how I know it’s real. Before I was happy, but I didn’t feel anything.
How do you think of it, then?
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i dont usually think about it
but i think
["I like it too. Being with you."]
it feels warm
like sunshine
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Happiness is really amazing. And the people who can make us happy are even more so.
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But he has a feeling that Hani has made up their mind on Morgan's current state. So he keeps that thought to himself.
It aches in the hollowness.]
what do you want to do then
for morgan or the glitches
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[ as for the rest: ]
When I know the details, I’ll tell you. If you’d like.
But you don’t have to.
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The way I say his name?
...If you learn anything. I'd like to know.
But please be careful, Hani. We can't help anyone if we get into trouble, too.
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[ so don’t stop. ]
I’ll do my best, so I can take care of Justy-kun, and you, and everyone important to me.
I forgot I was supposed to stick to no caps rip in pieces in tired
...
He feels guilt swell. He doesn't want to talk about this. He wants to keep that blossom buried, he doesn't want to rip it from its roots.]
no. you love him, hani. tylor loves him
[Don't feel like this for anyone else.
I like the way my name sounds on your lips.]
i liked being with him. but we were just friends. i just wanted him to be safe and happy
i want to think he had a place for love somewhere, with whoever he wanted. i think it was always with you two though.
[not him. he can feel the grip bury. he doesn't want its color to fade. it didn't have any time to show itself. but this wasn't the place.
he's always been bad at lying.]
im sorry if it sounded different
i cared [so much. but let it bury. let it bury. let hani be the storm and justy be the river. let him be the ground that only let them carve a path.]
but not like that
[let him snuff it out and the hurt along with it.]
no subject
Only one, not both.
[ even thought he said he loved them - did he? does he? this is why happiness hurts.
and for all of bear’s words when he can be the one, the only one.
hani and justy will never be less than two. ]
Perhaps you don’t see it. Or perhaps I’m wrong.
But that would be nice, too, if it was you.
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...
He thinks back to the onsen. To Morgan's desperate insistence that Barrett never have close feelings for another, even if Barrett had to tell him it wasn't a promise he could make. He remembers the three of them touching and kissing and breathing of one another in synchronization. He'd seen them all have moments of discomfort but all still return to each other.
Had something gone wrong when he wasn't looking? Hadn't they all been comfortable?
He doesn't know. He never really knew, for Morgan. He wonders if Morgan ever knew for himself... or if it was the onsen all over again. Something scared and reactive.]
im just me hani. its okay
im sorry if im missing something. i really am.
but all we ever were was friends.
im sorry. i didnt know something had changed for you.
no subject
You could never "just" be anything, squeezing yourself so small, when you're made to be wonderful and broad.
Please, don't say sorry. Not to me.
I don't have any regrets. My... Our feelings remain.
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He wishes he could believe it. At least he was strong. At least his family could, should, might trust him. At least he had football for now, a glimpse at a future that could help.
Wonderful was around the corner. It wasn't him yet.]
im glad
i hope he knew that he was loved. i hope he knew he didnt need to be alone.
i want to hope he learned that much from you
no subject
Can you do me a favor?
When you talk to him again, and when you know how he feels about everything, will you try a little harder to believe the words we say about you?
Just a little harder, so he can try a little harder, too. To believe all the things we try to say and try to show.
And then, if your opinion changes at all, will you tell me?
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But brute force he can do. Trying harder because something wasn't quite good enough yet. He wasn't quite good enough yet.]
yeah
i can try harder, hani. i don't want to make your feelings feel ignored again.
what opinion do you want, though?
no subject
people are hard. ]
I will also try to say it better. Next time.
When things are easier.
I’m not saying it right.
You’re not ignoring my feelings. I hope I’m not ignoring yours.
Opinions about… yourself, me, Justy-kun. Him.
no subject
[It's part of the problem. That Hani keeps insisting, skirting over things Barrett doesn't want to address when everything feels so raw.
But he doesn't want to think about it. And he certainly doesn't want to blame Hani for just trying to be empathetic when they've admitted it's hard for them.]
i don't think badly of any of you. i promise