He thinks back to the onsen. To Morgan's desperate insistence that Barrett never have close feelings for another, even if Barrett had to tell him it wasn't a promise he could make. He remembers the three of them touching and kissing and breathing of one another in synchronization. He'd seen them all have moments of discomfort but all still return to each other.
Had something gone wrong when he wasn't looking? Hadn't they all been comfortable?
He doesn't know. He never really knew, for Morgan. He wonders if Morgan ever knew for himself... or if it was the onsen all over again. Something scared and reactive.]
im just me hani. its okay
im sorry if im missing something. i really am.
but all we ever were was friends.
im sorry. i didnt know something had changed for you.
He wishes he could believe it. At least he was strong. At least his family could, should, might trust him. At least he had football for now, a glimpse at a future that could help.
Wonderful was around the corner. It wasn't him yet.]
im glad
i hope he knew that he was loved. i hope he knew he didnt need to be alone.
[ oh… no… hani closes their eyes. thinking. but it’s hard, they’re so emotionally worn. it was easier before when they were just talking about about plans, not people.
people are hard. ]
I will also try to say it better. Next time.
When things are easier.
I’m not saying it right.
You’re not ignoring my feelings. I hope I’m not ignoring yours.
[It's part of the problem. That Hani keeps insisting, skirting over things Barrett doesn't want to address when everything feels so raw.
But he doesn't want to think about it. And he certainly doesn't want to blame Hani for just trying to be empathetic when they've admitted it's hard for them.]
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...
He thinks back to the onsen. To Morgan's desperate insistence that Barrett never have close feelings for another, even if Barrett had to tell him it wasn't a promise he could make. He remembers the three of them touching and kissing and breathing of one another in synchronization. He'd seen them all have moments of discomfort but all still return to each other.
Had something gone wrong when he wasn't looking? Hadn't they all been comfortable?
He doesn't know. He never really knew, for Morgan. He wonders if Morgan ever knew for himself... or if it was the onsen all over again. Something scared and reactive.]
im just me hani. its okay
im sorry if im missing something. i really am.
but all we ever were was friends.
im sorry. i didnt know something had changed for you.
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You could never "just" be anything, squeezing yourself so small, when you're made to be wonderful and broad.
Please, don't say sorry. Not to me.
I don't have any regrets. My... Our feelings remain.
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He wishes he could believe it. At least he was strong. At least his family could, should, might trust him. At least he had football for now, a glimpse at a future that could help.
Wonderful was around the corner. It wasn't him yet.]
im glad
i hope he knew that he was loved. i hope he knew he didnt need to be alone.
i want to hope he learned that much from you
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Can you do me a favor?
When you talk to him again, and when you know how he feels about everything, will you try a little harder to believe the words we say about you?
Just a little harder, so he can try a little harder, too. To believe all the things we try to say and try to show.
And then, if your opinion changes at all, will you tell me?
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But brute force he can do. Trying harder because something wasn't quite good enough yet. He wasn't quite good enough yet.]
yeah
i can try harder, hani. i don't want to make your feelings feel ignored again.
what opinion do you want, though?
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people are hard. ]
I will also try to say it better. Next time.
When things are easier.
I’m not saying it right.
You’re not ignoring my feelings. I hope I’m not ignoring yours.
Opinions about… yourself, me, Justy-kun. Him.
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[It's part of the problem. That Hani keeps insisting, skirting over things Barrett doesn't want to address when everything feels so raw.
But he doesn't want to think about it. And he certainly doesn't want to blame Hani for just trying to be empathetic when they've admitted it's hard for them.]
i don't think badly of any of you. i promise