How much of a work addict are you, that you're concerned about that?
[ If his job has any sense, they won't let him turn up so soon after being released from the hospital to begin with.
Winter pauses for a moment at that. Notifying the forums? That... really hadn't occurred to him. Not that it was his position to do so. But that isn't why it slipped his mind, either. ]
It could be. It's possible that it isn't just that area, depending on what the issue was.
[ If it really was the game... This isn't, strictly, Winter's area of expertise. But his thoughts are racing ahead down a dozen different possible branches. ]
Say that when I no longer have your past typing efforts screencapped.
[ For once, Michel has got him, so there isn't a response to that!! He's definitely coping well with everything. ]
There's only one way to really figure it may be, right?
[ And Ganymede is always the type of person who will never rest until he has answers. That's who he is.
You know, maybe beyond reason, and...maybe also because, what if he isn't the only one and no one has said anything so far? AND THEN THERE IS THE REST OF THAT. ]
But, wait, you screen-capped my past typing episode with Thanatos?!
Posting to the forum, and contacting the staff. You can do that without logging in.
[ Ganymede's not asking his opinion, but there it is. Hopefully the doctors at the hospital told him the same thing. If there's something about that area in particular...
Obviously, the results will be more meaningful if it's not Ganymede who tries it. ]
[ And then Ganymede responds to the rest of that and Michel freezes. He did say that. Why did he say that? What unholy curse possessed his fingers and made him write that? This is what he gets for trying to respond quickly instead of thinking things through deliberately like he usually does... ]
[ No, it wasn't that strange a thing to say, was it? Unnecessary "?!" aside? That just means he's been successful at his awkward attempts to deflect from... whatever he was trying to deflect from.
God, he has no idea how to talk to someone who just got out of the hospital. This is more impossible than Hani. ]
[ Michel's really worried about him, huh? Ganymede assumed that it'd be good, if he could face everything on his own, but the feeling is strange. Though maybe it isn't strange. He expressed his full-hearted appreciation just a scant moments ago. ]
Yes, but I also figured it couldn't hurt to see if I had any messages here.
[ Why can't everything be easier and less complicated? Someone out there is laughing at the both of them, but...even so, there's been thoughts lingering in his head. He and Michel share similarities, even though they're entirely different people.
Ganymede doesn't know if he can approach things like most people, but they are deep thinkers, aren't they? ]
All that aside, I've decided I'll call off an extra day of work. I can't imagine not getting on the stage, because it's one of the best things that has ever happened to me. But, trade off is that we can talk longer.
And since we're already talking, there's something I wanted to ask you:
Do you think our world is a cruel one?
[ A world like this, filled to the brim with people who will laugh but say things behind your back. Who would try to steal you away, or be the reason for you being hurt.
...Yet, it's the same world where people would reach out, like Michel has. Does it all even out in the end? ]
[ "Forget about the cat"? Michel snorts very softly, some of the tension relaxing from his shoulders. Somehow, he won that one after all. Ganymede is still easier to fluster than he is. Maybe because he cares how he comes across, in a way Michel really can't anymore.
On the flipside... Now he's saying things Michel really doesn't know how to respond to. Saying that as if talking to him is a good thing... the sense of discomfort lodges in his chest, intensifying like an itch, something trying to claw its way out. ]
You'll be back to it more quickly if you don't exacerbate your condition. You may be the only person in the world so passionate about their job.
[ One of the best things that ever happened to him, is it? The tiny spark of curiosity he's never fully managed to quell wants to know. ]
[ The message is notably slower, Michel typing for a long time. Ganymede should likely expect it from such a complex question. ]
People can be cruel. No, it might be more truthful to say that it's easy for people to become that way. Our own circumstances and problems absorb us and drown out our ability to see others.
If you're asking what I believe... I think the world is unfair, but impartial. We can't change the flow of events around ourselves. Only what we choose to do with them.
Why?
[ Should he have answered more optimistically? Ganymede asking that at all makes Michel wonder just what the doctors had told him. Or is he thinking about what Hani had mentioned obliquely before, something that happened in the past?
Maybe Ganymede is already regretting wanting to talk to him about this. ]
[ Is he? Or does it simply mean that is Michel-Winter lingo for "You are the only one I met who has been so passionate about your job," instead? He has some protests lined up and ready, but they are inconsequential now.
He may circle back to that later. Especially when he's presented his own serious inquiry.
There's the response laid before his eyes. What an intriguing answer. But the currents of opinions are unpredictable. They flow wherever the tide takes them.
No matter what it does to the world. ]
I was wondering, is all.
I have witnessed many things in the world. Cruel, ugly things, and paradoxically good things as well. As a fellow human, I wondered what you thought of it.
But, maybe I'm not being completely honest. I knew if I asked you something like this, you would answer it seriously, rather than hand me a childish answer.
[ In a crowd of faceless masses, he stands out a bit more. In a different way from Hani. As his memories of his previous time spent in the hospital float in his head again, he feels a little aimless almost. But, that's not true either. ]
[ "As a fellow human"... There's that cousin similarity again. The uncanny instinct to say something offhand that strikes a painful chord in him. Who knew that could be genetic? ]
Of course I have to be serious with you right now. If you use that to tease me, I swear I'll pay it back later.
[ He will not, in the least. But not at least making that gesture would make the situation seem even more dire. ]
I don't know what you've been through. And you already know I don't have a comforting personality. But if you want someone to hear your thoughts... I can do that.
Ganymede doesn't know if he (himself) is honestly joking or not, but that's fine with him. He's thinking of just making an excuse of some sort, though with him actually reading Michel's second comment, Ganymede lets it sit in.
Then he begins to answer slowly. ]
I try not to advertise that a good four years of my life wasn't exactly a picnic.
During that time...I had little capability of taking actions into my own hands. But those around me found chaos enticing. They talked about things as if there were no consequences to their actions, and the lives of innocents meant nothing to them.
I wondered, if people like that were allow to exist, what value would this world hold? What kind of choice does one have, if they can either accept something they shouldn't, or resist futilely? And even after I "left" that situation, I...didn't know what to do with myself.
[ There's a comfortable familiarity to that dry banter, the joke indistinguishable from the plain truth. He and Ganymede have that a little in common.
Maybe that's why the other words connect like a blow. An old and lancing ache, sharp enough that it draws his breath up a little shallow. It takes him a little bit to begin to type again. ]
I have.
[ Four years. It must have felt like a lifetime -- whatever the situation was that Ganymede can't name. ]
At that time I chose to keep struggling futilely. I felt that if I didn't, my existence would be meaningless. Whatever choice you made, no one else can judge.
Do you still feel that way? Or do you know what you want now?
[ A life-time where he changed, and not for the better, he'd argue.
But, he's still standing. Even if Ganymede doesn't have all the pieces rightly put together, he can say one thing for certain:
He's alive, and he's able to interact with people. As well as a proper job. That's more he envisioned himself having when he was in that situation.
Still, he keeps going. When Michel states he knows what it's like, more than anything else. ]
I had so much time to ponder over what had happened. To decide what else I would want to do with it, and my own life, that I at least have some idea of what I might want.
Even if my heart might not ever be at peace. Though, I know I can't stop moving. For many reasons, including the fact it would tarnish the memory of the brother I lost.
But, holding onto these feelings, without speaking them makes it hard to look past it at all.
[ The anger, regret, helplessness, hopelessness...whatever the case, Ganymede has managed to reveal a bit of that story as the opening act. ]
[ He'd wondered, about Ganymede's brother. That confirmation still makes him close his eyes briefly. It's entirely too easy to imagine how he would feel if he heard that anything had happened to either of his. That Ganymede can use it as part of his determination to keep moving forward...
Maybe they couldn't be more different after all. ]
I'm sorry. About your brother. And I'm glad that you have the beginnings of your answer — or at the least, the path you want to walk to find it.
[ He means it deeply. And at the same time, he doesn't know if the feeling bubbling up in his chest is admiration or, perhaps, envy. How ugly. He didn't want to remember what it was like to feel this strongly. What words can he even offer about moving past emotions that wouldn't be a painful lie? ]
There are no certainties that speaking about them will ease them. But if you want to continue anyway, I'm still here.
[ That's right. There's nothing that can prevent Ganymede from moving forward.
No matter what's happened, all of that is behind him now. He's certain of it. But, maybe it isn't so cut and dry as he might imagine. ]
Isn't that how it works?
When we speak about these things—it becomes easier? Or is it that it becomes harder?
Then again, maybe I wouldn't really know. I've never spoken about it much with anyone. I never saw much reason to. I believed deep down in my heart that it wouldn't make a difference, either way. Seeing the way others were still looking ahead, it made me wonder if I looked back, I might not be able to look forward.
[ And Ganymede has discovered the thing he hates most of all...
Truthfully... I don't know. Some ways of talking about the past amount to no more than picking at your wounds. But sometimes, it's enough to not be alone with the darkness of your memories. Which is the case depends on you, I believe.
[ And maybe, on the listener. Michel has nothing to offer in that respect -- except that he can listen patiently for as long as it takes. ]
If you think it won't make a difference, I don't know you well enough to tell you otherwise. But do you really think someone as stubborn as you would forget how to look forward?
He stubbornly started to turn away from the past, because he thought that ignoring it meant he'd grow stronger. But, he thinks the most awful truth of it all is that he hasn't (couldn't) let go.
So, doesn't that mean he's just been pretending all along? But, he doesn't say any of those things, not when he can't figure the answer out to that either. Not when he's certain that will lead him down a rabbithole of no return. ]
I wouldn't think I would forget. But, maybe the truth isn't that I wouldn't ever forget...it could be I wouldn't accept it, even if I did.
Ironically, I never liked confrontation much originally, or fighting. If I could run away, I would prefer that to be my course of action. But, Ilus, one of my brothers, always looked out for me, even when things became difficult. Even in his last moments, he tried to his best to protect me.
If I had been stronger, if I could protect him...sometimes I've had that thought so many times. At least once, to return the favor.
[ What would someone more adept at this say here? It isn't even that Michel isn't willing to spill platitudes; or, it isn't only that. He doesn't know what words are supposed to be comforting.
He's too aware of how long some of his pauses are. The typing can disguise places where he would have stammered or blurted out something stupid aloud. But it can't make his words come easily. ]
Whatever happened, you survived. You redeemed his wish to protect you. There's nothing further to repay.
[ Michel can only imagine. If he had a younger brother... if he had anyone he had the power to protect, that would have been enough, for him. ]
What is it that you want now? To step into Ilus' place? To leave behind only the painful memories, or all of it? To forget the person you were then?
[ Is there ever really a right answer? Well...sometimes, there is. Though the lines of those are blurred. Ganymede certainly isn't looking for validation, so to speak.
The man offered an ear, so his expectations are that he's listening. If he has anything to say of it that isn't mocking...that's good enough. The fact he's trying at all to do more than just acknowledge his words—that means something, for sure.
But, staring at these questions, he thinks he might have an answer. Still, he wants them to talk this over not just text. ]
Wait. You can't honestly be thinking about logging back in already.
[ A pause. A pause to see if that gets an answer... he's really already doing it, isn't he? ]
Ganymede, are you listening to me?!
[ That was important enough to pull out an exclamation mark... but the only way to be sure what that tiny feral hamster is doing is to log in and see if he's online. To Mac Anu Winter goes. ]
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no subject
[ If his job has any sense, they won't let him turn up so soon after being released from the hospital to begin with.
Winter pauses for a moment at that. Notifying the forums? That... really hadn't occurred to him. Not that it was his position to do so. But that isn't why it slipped his mind, either. ]
It could be. It's possible that it isn't just that area, depending on what the issue was.
[ If it really was the game... This isn't, strictly, Winter's area of expertise. But his thoughts are racing ahead down a dozen different possible branches. ]
Say that when I no longer have your past typing efforts screencapped.
no subject
There's only one way to really figure it may be, right?
[ And Ganymede is always the type of person who will never rest until he has answers. That's who he is.
You know, maybe beyond reason, and...maybe also because, what if he isn't the only one and no one has said anything so far? AND THEN THERE IS THE REST OF THAT. ]
But, wait, you screen-capped my past typing episode with Thanatos?!
1/?
[ Ganymede's not asking his opinion, but there it is. Hopefully the doctors at the hospital told him the same thing. If there's something about that area in particular...
Obviously, the results will be more meaningful if it's not Ganymede who tries it. ]
no subject
d...done
God, he has no idea how to talk to someone who just got out of the hospital. This is more impossible than Hani. ]
So you admit that it was the cat after all.
1/3
Yes, but I also figured it couldn't hurt to see if I had any messages here.
...And yours was waiting for me.
2/3
No! I mean, yes! I mean... I have no idea what you're talking about! Forget about the cat!!
3/3
Ganymede doesn't know if he can approach things like most people, but they are deep thinkers, aren't they? ]
All that aside, I've decided I'll call off an extra day of work. I can't imagine not getting on the stage, because it's one of the best things that has ever happened to me. But, trade off is that we can talk longer.
And since we're already talking, there's something I wanted to ask you:
Do you think our world is a cruel one?
[ A world like this, filled to the brim with people who will laugh but say things behind your back. Who would try to steal you away, or be the reason for you being hurt.
...Yet, it's the same world where people would reach out, like Michel has. Does it all even out in the end? ]
1/2
On the flipside... Now he's saying things Michel really doesn't know how to respond to. Saying that as if talking to him is a good thing... the sense of discomfort lodges in his chest, intensifying like an itch, something trying to claw its way out. ]
You'll be back to it more quickly if you don't exacerbate your condition. You may be the only person in the world so passionate about their job.
[ One of the best things that ever happened to him, is it? The tiny spark of curiosity he's never fully managed to quell wants to know. ]
2/2
People can be cruel. No, it might be more truthful to say that it's easy for people to become that way. Our own circumstances and problems absorb us and drown out our ability to see others.
If you're asking what I believe... I think the world is unfair, but impartial. We can't change the flow of events around ourselves. Only what we choose to do with them.
Why?
[ Should he have answered more optimistically? Ganymede asking that at all makes Michel wonder just what the doctors had told him. Or is he thinking about what Hani had mentioned obliquely before, something that happened in the past?
Maybe Ganymede is already regretting wanting to talk to him about this. ]
no subject
He may circle back to that later. Especially when he's presented his own serious inquiry.
There's the response laid before his eyes. What an intriguing answer. But the currents of opinions are unpredictable. They flow wherever the tide takes them.
No matter what it does to the world. ]
I was wondering, is all.
I have witnessed many things in the world. Cruel, ugly things, and paradoxically good things as well. As a fellow human, I wondered what you thought of it.
But, maybe I'm not being completely honest. I knew if I asked you something like this, you would answer it seriously, rather than hand me a childish answer.
[ In a crowd of faceless masses, he stands out a bit more. In a different way from Hani. As his memories of his previous time spent in the hospital float in his head again, he feels a little aimless almost. But, that's not true either. ]
no subject
Of course I have to be serious with you right now. If you use that to tease me, I swear I'll pay it back later.
[ He will not, in the least. But not at least making that gesture would make the situation seem even more dire. ]
I don't know what you've been through. And you already know I don't have a comforting personality. But if you want someone to hear your thoughts... I can do that.
no subject
[ You know, just barely.
Ganymede doesn't know if he (himself) is honestly joking or not, but that's fine with him. He's thinking of just making an excuse of some sort, though with him actually reading Michel's second comment, Ganymede lets it sit in.
Then he begins to answer slowly. ]
I try not to advertise that a good four years of my life wasn't exactly a picnic.
During that time...I had little capability of taking actions into my own hands. But those around me found chaos enticing. They talked about things as if there were no consequences to their actions, and the lives of innocents meant nothing to them.
I wondered, if people like that were allow to exist, what value would this world hold? What kind of choice does one have, if they can either accept something they shouldn't, or resist futilely? And even after I "left" that situation, I...didn't know what to do with myself.
Have you ever felt like that? At all?
no subject
Maybe that's why the other words connect like a blow. An old and lancing ache, sharp enough that it draws his breath up a little shallow. It takes him a little bit to begin to type again. ]
I have.
[ Four years. It must have felt like a lifetime -- whatever the situation was that Ganymede can't name. ]
At that time I chose to keep struggling futilely. I felt that if I didn't, my existence would be meaningless. Whatever choice you made, no one else can judge.
Do you still feel that way? Or do you know what you want now?
no subject
But, he's still standing. Even if Ganymede doesn't have all the pieces rightly put together, he can say one thing for certain:
He's alive, and he's able to interact with people. As well as a proper job. That's more he envisioned himself having when he was in that situation.
Still, he keeps going. When Michel states he knows what it's like, more than anything else. ]
I had so much time to ponder over what had happened. To decide what else I would want to do with it, and my own life, that I at least have some idea of what I might want.
Even if my heart might not ever be at peace. Though, I know I can't stop moving. For many reasons, including the fact it would tarnish the memory of the brother I lost.
But, holding onto these feelings, without speaking them makes it hard to look past it at all.
[ The anger, regret, helplessness, hopelessness...whatever the case, Ganymede has managed to reveal a bit of that story as the opening act. ]
no subject
Maybe they couldn't be more different after all. ]
I'm sorry. About your brother. And I'm glad that you have the beginnings of your answer — or at the least, the path you want to walk to find it.
[ He means it deeply. And at the same time, he doesn't know if the feeling bubbling up in his chest is admiration or, perhaps, envy. How ugly. He didn't want to remember what it was like to feel this strongly. What words can he even offer about moving past emotions that wouldn't be a painful lie? ]
There are no certainties that speaking about them will ease them. But if you want to continue anyway, I'm still here.
no subject
No matter what's happened, all of that is behind him now. He's certain of it. But, maybe it isn't so cut and dry as he might imagine. ]
Isn't that how it works?
When we speak about these things—it becomes easier? Or is it that it becomes harder?
Then again, maybe I wouldn't really know. I've never spoken about it much with anyone. I never saw much reason to. I believed deep down in my heart that it wouldn't make a difference, either way. Seeing the way others were still looking ahead, it made me wonder if I looked back, I might not be able to look forward.
[ And Ganymede has discovered the thing he hates most of all...
Is being trapped. ]
no subject
[ And maybe, on the listener. Michel has nothing to offer in that respect -- except that he can listen patiently for as long as it takes. ]
If you think it won't make a difference, I don't know you well enough to tell you otherwise. But do you really think someone as stubborn as you would forget how to look forward?
no subject
He stubbornly started to turn away from the past, because he thought that ignoring it meant he'd grow stronger. But, he thinks the most awful truth of it all is that he hasn't (couldn't) let go.
So, doesn't that mean he's just been pretending all along? But, he doesn't say any of those things, not when he can't figure the answer out to that either. Not when he's certain that will lead him down a rabbithole of no return. ]
I wouldn't think I would forget. But, maybe the truth isn't that I wouldn't ever forget...it could be I wouldn't accept it, even if I did.
Ironically, I never liked confrontation much originally, or fighting. If I could run away, I would prefer that to be my course of action. But, Ilus, one of my brothers, always looked out for me, even when things became difficult. Even in his last moments, he tried to his best to protect me.
If I had been stronger, if I could protect him...sometimes I've had that thought so many times. At least once, to return the favor.
no subject
He's too aware of how long some of his pauses are. The typing can disguise places where he would have stammered or blurted out something stupid aloud. But it can't make his words come easily. ]
Whatever happened, you survived. You redeemed his wish to protect you. There's nothing further to repay.
[ Michel can only imagine. If he had a younger brother... if he had anyone he had the power to protect, that would have been enough, for him. ]
What is it that you want now? To step into Ilus' place? To leave behind only the painful memories, or all of it? To forget the person you were then?
no subject
The man offered an ear, so his expectations are that he's listening. If he has anything to say of it that isn't mocking...that's good enough. The fact he's trying at all to do more than just acknowledge his words—that means something, for sure.
But, staring at these questions, he thinks he might have an answer. Still, he wants them to talk this over not just text. ]
I think I have an answer.
Meet up with me at Mac Anu at one of the gondolas. I want to talk more there.
[ Wow...! ]
no subject
[ A pause. A pause to see if that gets an answer... he's really already doing it, isn't he? ]
Ganymede, are you listening to me?!
[ That was important enough to pull out an exclamation mark... but the only way to be sure what that tiny feral hamster is doing is to log in and see if he's online. To Mac Anu Winter goes. ]